Not Working Blog

Hey Blog,

Well it has been a super long time since I wrote to you. The reason... I'm super lazy. Could you imagine me as the President of the US.

"Hey Mr President, the Russian are attacking us." said Secretary of the Treasury
"I'll deal with it later, I'm watching Dead Like Me Season 2 on Roku right now." I reply

I could never be President because last time I did any campaigning I kept kissing hands and shaking the babies, that was a lousy 2 1/2 years in Prison. Although, I did have a boyfriend who treated me like a desert rose. I miss you Roberto and yes that isn't just a tattoo teardrop but a reminder of what we had.


I'm out of work

So I quit my last job. It's actually the 4th time I have walked on a job without having another. The first job I walked on, I working as a Serbian Child Labor Manager. I know what your thinking "you quit a management job, wow... your an idiot, you must of had amazing benefits" true that, they did have a great dental plan, but ugh the hours. I was in charge of the beanie babie division. It was amazing what a 6 month old can do with a little paste, clothe and a whip. Seriously, I couldn't handle all the crying after a while. It would be like being on airplane for 12 hours with a plane full of babies, "I'm hungry, I'm tired, I have a poopie diaper," they would whine all day. And like my Uncle Charlie use to say, "No matter what it does to provoke you, never hit a baby." Great words from a great man.


The Second job I walked on was when I was the head botanist for the Bacholer and Bacholerette. Somebody had to grow those perfect TV roses. But one day I was having a conversation with Chris Hanson about my dog Millie and he said, "I don't care about your dog," and walked away. What an ass, so I quit.

The third job I walked on was when I played point guard for the Cleveland Cavaliers. With no Lebron, whats the point. Get it point?

Finally, I was the morning show host for WYKS in Gainesville. Part of my duties included getting naked in a milky calm bath with my boss and shaving his back while singing Lady Gaga songs. Big problem, I can't remember any Lady Gaga lyrics.

" Something something Poker Sticker..."

Now your thinking, "Why didn't you just stream Pandora and set up a Lady Gaga station, problem solved." Well I totally suggested that, but he went off on how Pandora is ruining his revenue stream and how I must be secretly trying to destroy his business. Plus, I didn't have my own parking space, so I walked.

Okay now lets play a quick game. Which point in the last paragraph is actually true? Feels like Dora the Explorer doesn't it?

"Donde esta Mapa?" ask Dora
"It's in the fucking backpack!!" yells the little girl at the TV screen

Well if you guessed I was secretly trying to destroy his business, then you guessed correctly!!! Give yourself a hand or a hand job which ever is most appropriate to the location in which reading this blog.

I'll try to write more blogs. I was thinking of taking all these blogs and putting them in a book. Although there not all on here, I have about 200 of them. That is a lot.

bye,
Brian Sims

ps, I realize that the Secretary of Treasurey problably wouldn't be the guy to tell the President that the Russians are attacking. I also didn't mean to say that we have any sort of political stress currently with Russia, to be honest, I have no idea where Russia even is on a map or if in fact we have any problems with them as a people or country. All I know is that there drinks are very racist, really White Russian, super racist.