Hey Blog,
Well it's over... we have a job!!! Starting Monday I will be the Program Director/Morning Guy for Gator 107.9 in Myrtle Beach!!!! It will be nice to get up and go to work again. Although I did enjoy 6 months of unemployement, it'll feel good once again to be a productive member of society and to continue to live on the beach!!! Whale watching... fun!!!
The DJ Dog
I don't even know how to explain this one. But yesterday Danielle and I were extras for a new show on Animal Planet called Fetch Me A Beer. I guess it's a show where dogs do cool tricks. Our scene included a dog that could spin records, although he really didn't. So I look forward to some creative editing. Although I really want to create a metaphor based on this scenrio. Let's say you are a dude at a bridal shower, you can say- "That's like a Dog spinning Records in a Disco."
Huggies Commercial
I had my call back yesterday to be a Dad in a Huggies Commercial. I was the only average joe in the building. I didn't even know so many beautiful people existed. I was like a Dog spinning Records in a Disco!! (Totally going to take off) The photographer that took all my pictures really made me feel pretty, and no I didn't take my shirt off!!!
Thats all for now blog. I have to get a morning show ready. I was thinking of doing a segment called "Do I look good in a Trucker Hat?" I put on a trucker hat and you tell me whether or not I should buy a monkey. Okay I'll keep working on it, good idea blog!!
love you,
Brian
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Traveling
Hey Blog,
Well I'm blogging from the hotel right now. The interview went well however I'm a little tired because I woke up at 3am and got ready so I wouldn't be late. Good news, I wasn't late!!
The Plane Ride
I haven't been on an airplane for almost 2 years. Because of the economy they now have some policy changes. First of all, they charge for beverages, no problem... except it did cost me $32 for a coke (not the entire can mine you) and a bag of peanuts. I was charged $30 for my carry on and when I got on the plane they handing me a spool of yarn and demanded me to make an afghan.. mine was orange ;)
Fat Tuesday
Is anybody else offended that the Biggest Loser is on Fat Tuesday? I am planning on going out tonight with my new boss (keep your fingers crossed) and living it up, because tomorrow is the start of lent and here are a list of the things I'm planning on giving up.
1) Watching Conan O'Brien
2) Swearing in foreign languages
3) Supporting McCain/Palin
4) Poison
5) Are you getting this yet? I'm giving up stuff I don't or can't do anyway... ha ha ha
6) Pointing out my own jokes
That's all for now blog, more good news however, I got a call back on the Huggies commercial... yee-haw!!!!
Brian
Well I'm blogging from the hotel right now. The interview went well however I'm a little tired because I woke up at 3am and got ready so I wouldn't be late. Good news, I wasn't late!!
The Plane Ride
I haven't been on an airplane for almost 2 years. Because of the economy they now have some policy changes. First of all, they charge for beverages, no problem... except it did cost me $32 for a coke (not the entire can mine you) and a bag of peanuts. I was charged $30 for my carry on and when I got on the plane they handing me a spool of yarn and demanded me to make an afghan.. mine was orange ;)
Fat Tuesday
Is anybody else offended that the Biggest Loser is on Fat Tuesday? I am planning on going out tonight with my new boss (keep your fingers crossed) and living it up, because tomorrow is the start of lent and here are a list of the things I'm planning on giving up.
1) Watching Conan O'Brien
2) Swearing in foreign languages
3) Supporting McCain/Palin
4) Poison
5) Are you getting this yet? I'm giving up stuff I don't or can't do anyway... ha ha ha
6) Pointing out my own jokes
That's all for now blog, more good news however, I got a call back on the Huggies commercial... yee-haw!!!!
Brian
Monday, February 23, 2009
Brad Pitt Got Robbed!!!
Hey Blog,
Later on today I board a plane for a job interview. I'm not a big fan of flying, so I just started drinking and hope to be sober for the interview tomorrow. I'll update you later on this week on what is the happy haps with all that.
Academy Awards
I watched most of it, although it was a little long. Also, since I have a girlfriend I was forced to watch all the red carpet stuff. Which now for the next few days, I'll be asking people who they are wearing. Although, just once when a starlet is asked that, instead of saying Vertice or Hoobstank or whoever, they should say "I'm wearing the hard work of a 6 year migrate worker from South Korea... You Likey?!?!"
I did like the Joaquin Phoenix parody from Ben Stiller and the Pineapple Express skit was hilarious. I have always wondered- After Hugh Jackson and Beyonce did their little song and dance to musicals, Hugh said "And the One and Only Beyonce Knowles". Do you think there is someone at home with the same name screaming at the TV- I EXIST TOO!!!!!
Okay blog, short one today. I have to get ready for this interview. Who am I going to wear?
love,
Brian
Later on today I board a plane for a job interview. I'm not a big fan of flying, so I just started drinking and hope to be sober for the interview tomorrow. I'll update you later on this week on what is the happy haps with all that.
Academy Awards
I watched most of it, although it was a little long. Also, since I have a girlfriend I was forced to watch all the red carpet stuff. Which now for the next few days, I'll be asking people who they are wearing. Although, just once when a starlet is asked that, instead of saying Vertice or Hoobstank or whoever, they should say "I'm wearing the hard work of a 6 year migrate worker from South Korea... You Likey?!?!"
I did like the Joaquin Phoenix parody from Ben Stiller and the Pineapple Express skit was hilarious. I have always wondered- After Hugh Jackson and Beyonce did their little song and dance to musicals, Hugh said "And the One and Only Beyonce Knowles". Do you think there is someone at home with the same name screaming at the TV- I EXIST TOO!!!!!
Okay blog, short one today. I have to get ready for this interview. Who am I going to wear?
love,
Brian
Sunday, February 22, 2009
10 items or less
Hey Blog,
10 items or less
It's been a lazy Sunday afternoon. Danielle and I went to the grocery store to pick up a few items. I counted, we had 10 items.. no problem to the 10 item or less line. Were in line, Danielle is reading the latest People-- (a quick side bar, Danielle and I have always disagreed. I think if you read a magazine while standing in line, that your technically stealing. ) So my criminal girlfriend and I are waiting our turn and I notice a lady, probably in her mid-50s eyeing my stuff.
"You have more than 10 items," she yells.
"No I don't, there are 10, but thank you line nazi." I reply
"Get out of line, you have 15 items. "
Appartently she was counting the 6 pack of beer as 6 items. I counted them as one. So I ask the lady at the register and oh course she agrees with me. The lady quickly shuts up. However, after I had paid for my stuff, mostly with quarters that I made Danielle fish out of her purse, I quickly grad 5 packs of gum and a blowpop!!!! Ha ha ha, now back to your job at Guantanamo Bay!!!
The Academy Awards
If you know anything about me, you know I have a super duper man crush on Ryan Seacrest. Why? Well, he's my age and we both are in radio. Now I admit, he's been much more successful than me, but instead of being a hater... I'm impressed. Plus he looks so good in his Corneliani tux!!! I got to go, he's on!!
love you blog,
Brian
10 items or less
It's been a lazy Sunday afternoon. Danielle and I went to the grocery store to pick up a few items. I counted, we had 10 items.. no problem to the 10 item or less line. Were in line, Danielle is reading the latest People-- (a quick side bar, Danielle and I have always disagreed. I think if you read a magazine while standing in line, that your technically stealing. ) So my criminal girlfriend and I are waiting our turn and I notice a lady, probably in her mid-50s eyeing my stuff.
"You have more than 10 items," she yells.
"No I don't, there are 10, but thank you line nazi." I reply
"Get out of line, you have 15 items. "
Appartently she was counting the 6 pack of beer as 6 items. I counted them as one. So I ask the lady at the register and oh course she agrees with me. The lady quickly shuts up. However, after I had paid for my stuff, mostly with quarters that I made Danielle fish out of her purse, I quickly grad 5 packs of gum and a blowpop!!!! Ha ha ha, now back to your job at Guantanamo Bay!!!
The Academy Awards
If you know anything about me, you know I have a super duper man crush on Ryan Seacrest. Why? Well, he's my age and we both are in radio. Now I admit, he's been much more successful than me, but instead of being a hater... I'm impressed. Plus he looks so good in his Corneliani tux!!! I got to go, he's on!!
love you blog,
Brian
Saturday, February 21, 2009
The Hulkster
Hey Blog,
Well some good news. Next week I have a fly-in for a job interview. Now earlier this week I mentioned how I had a pre-interview and that's like a first day. Well the fly-in is like the 3rd date where you hope you can go inside, drink a little wine and maybe smooch a little by nights end. It is also the pivotal moment where you hope she extends an olive branch for you to enter into a relationship, because lets face it, you've been lonely for way to long and your also losing the renters for your house you can't sell and you need the money (sorry I bailed on the metaphor). So wish me luck!!
What is Naked
I was watching a few minutes of the E original "The Girls Next Door." First of all, not a great title, the girl that lives next door to me is pushing 70 and has a hump. I noticed during the episode that they were topless a lot and you could see everything except the nipple was blurred out. So the nipple is the only thing that would make the bare boob naked? I have also seen a naked woman paint her entire body with paint and that makes the tele. So what is the male equivalent? If I go to Home Depot and invest in a semi-gloss moss russet and paint my "Hulkster" (sorry that was it's nickname given when I was in the 7th grade) it's okay for me to catch a ball game or go rollerblading on the beach!!! (I apologize for that mental picture). That is my test for the day so if I don't blog tomorrow look for me on http://www.thesmokinggun.com/
That's all blog- I love you
Brian
ps my brother was the production manager for the movie Ballast and it's up for a Spirit Award tonight. So go big bro!!!
Well some good news. Next week I have a fly-in for a job interview. Now earlier this week I mentioned how I had a pre-interview and that's like a first day. Well the fly-in is like the 3rd date where you hope you can go inside, drink a little wine and maybe smooch a little by nights end. It is also the pivotal moment where you hope she extends an olive branch for you to enter into a relationship, because lets face it, you've been lonely for way to long and your also losing the renters for your house you can't sell and you need the money (sorry I bailed on the metaphor). So wish me luck!!
What is Naked
I was watching a few minutes of the E original "The Girls Next Door." First of all, not a great title, the girl that lives next door to me is pushing 70 and has a hump. I noticed during the episode that they were topless a lot and you could see everything except the nipple was blurred out. So the nipple is the only thing that would make the bare boob naked? I have also seen a naked woman paint her entire body with paint and that makes the tele. So what is the male equivalent? If I go to Home Depot and invest in a semi-gloss moss russet and paint my "Hulkster" (sorry that was it's nickname given when I was in the 7th grade) it's okay for me to catch a ball game or go rollerblading on the beach!!! (I apologize for that mental picture). That is my test for the day so if I don't blog tomorrow look for me on http://www.thesmokinggun.com/
That's all blog- I love you
Brian
ps my brother was the production manager for the movie Ballast and it's up for a Spirit Award tonight. So go big bro!!!
Friday, February 20, 2009
Current Employer
Hey Blog,
Huggies Commerical
So I had an audition for a Huggies Commerical yesterday. I know I know "I didn't know you still wear diapers?" ha ha ha, well I do. These are their new mid-life crisis diapers. Very comfortable. Well I was waiting to get my call back to the casting couch, I had to fill out some paper work. The one blank I laughed at was current employer- So I put, self-employed. It got me to think. I am self-employed, not un-employed. If I get this commerical, that's work. I worked for 3 days last week. I have had various jobs here and there. Plus I have this blog, this takes work. So from now on I will be the owner, proprietor of Brian Sims Inc. LLC EEO BA.
I have a pet peeve
I recently blogged about how I now have text messaging. Well Danielle will text LOL which stands for "laugh out loud". Well as you can imagine I'm always sending LOL style texts. I observed however that Danielle was texting LOL but was not in fact "laughing out loud". Therefore, if you are going to LOL you better have a mild to harty belly laugh before. Otherwise it's just empty false lies. Don't get me started on LMAO
Well that's all blog, by the way you can now get to my blog by just typing in beingbriansims.com. Cool
Brian
Huggies Commerical
So I had an audition for a Huggies Commerical yesterday. I know I know "I didn't know you still wear diapers?" ha ha ha, well I do. These are their new mid-life crisis diapers. Very comfortable. Well I was waiting to get my call back to the casting couch, I had to fill out some paper work. The one blank I laughed at was current employer- So I put, self-employed. It got me to think. I am self-employed, not un-employed. If I get this commerical, that's work. I worked for 3 days last week. I have had various jobs here and there. Plus I have this blog, this takes work. So from now on I will be the owner, proprietor of Brian Sims Inc. LLC EEO BA.
I have a pet peeve
I recently blogged about how I now have text messaging. Well Danielle will text LOL which stands for "laugh out loud". Well as you can imagine I'm always sending LOL style texts. I observed however that Danielle was texting LOL but was not in fact "laughing out loud". Therefore, if you are going to LOL you better have a mild to harty belly laugh before. Otherwise it's just empty false lies. Don't get me started on LMAO
Well that's all blog, by the way you can now get to my blog by just typing in beingbriansims.com. Cool
Brian
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Like A First Date
Hey Blog,
A Job Interview
So I had another "pre-interview" for a job that I applied for. I have had about 5 or 6 of these since I have been out of work. I would compare them to a first date. They start out with small talk, then you move into talking a little about yourself, some "get to know" type questions, then at some point you say something to where you date demands you take her home and never call her again. However, sometimes she does have a good time, you give her a good kiss and next thing you know you are doing afternoons again and being criticize because you don't buy flowers anymore.
My Cell Phone
Yesterday was an exciting day because I got a check for a ton of money that I wasn't expecting. Therefore I can now text message again. It made me realize. I hate text messaging. Why? Because I can't spell to save my life. I'm sure if you are a consistent reader of my blog you'll see where I continsting (see!!!) misspelling words. At least on this I can spell check. But on text it's almost impossible. Plus my text doesn't let me swear. Nothing like a good ole F bomb to get the point across. Instead it always spells Duck.
"I'm so ducking mad."
"Quack Quack, Duck boy" Danielle replies
Other words my text always uses wrong:
home=good
love=loud
sex=pew
kiss=lips
hug-huh
and=chlamydia
that's all for now blog,
Brian
A Job Interview
So I had another "pre-interview" for a job that I applied for. I have had about 5 or 6 of these since I have been out of work. I would compare them to a first date. They start out with small talk, then you move into talking a little about yourself, some "get to know" type questions, then at some point you say something to where you date demands you take her home and never call her again. However, sometimes she does have a good time, you give her a good kiss and next thing you know you are doing afternoons again and being criticize because you don't buy flowers anymore.
My Cell Phone
Yesterday was an exciting day because I got a check for a ton of money that I wasn't expecting. Therefore I can now text message again. It made me realize. I hate text messaging. Why? Because I can't spell to save my life. I'm sure if you are a consistent reader of my blog you'll see where I continsting (see!!!) misspelling words. At least on this I can spell check. But on text it's almost impossible. Plus my text doesn't let me swear. Nothing like a good ole F bomb to get the point across. Instead it always spells Duck.
"I'm so ducking mad."
"Quack Quack, Duck boy" Danielle replies
Other words my text always uses wrong:
home=good
love=loud
sex=pew
kiss=lips
hug-huh
and=chlamydia
that's all for now blog,
Brian
Monday, February 16, 2009
Entertaining Doctors with ADHD
Hey Blog,
Do you wear a white coat?
So I had a three day job over the weekend. I was at a medical convention selling Custom White Lab Coats to well anyone.... I actually got a janitor to buy one because I told him people would respect him more with one on!!! It was a lot of fun accept our booth was right across from the ADHD booth and after hearing all the symptoms... I'm pretty sure I have it... wait what? I also think I have diabetes, malaria and Toxoplasmosis.
A Free Bee
So today Danielle and I went to the Hardrock Cafe Casino Park thingy to sign up for a free players club. If you did, like we did, you get $50 to play with. So we got our card, sat down at a slot machine, push one button, and cashed out the $49.99 and left. Ha ha suck it Mobsters that own the casinos (note:This is Brian's attorney, he in no way has disrespect for the mob. He loves all kinds of mobs; like mobs of kittens or a mob of angry Brazilian Soccer fans. He has watched every episode of the Sopranos. Although it could have a more masculine name like: The Throat Slicers or the Altos.)((This is the attorney of Brian's Attorney- he in no way means to insinuate that the mob represented in the Sopranos were unmasculine, but if you think he was being disrespectful you can get him at 345 Johnson St., Cleveland, OH. )) If I did hurt the Mob's feelings, I'm really the current bachelor... please come kill me.
love you blog,
Brian
Do you wear a white coat?
So I had a three day job over the weekend. I was at a medical convention selling Custom White Lab Coats to well anyone.... I actually got a janitor to buy one because I told him people would respect him more with one on!!! It was a lot of fun accept our booth was right across from the ADHD booth and after hearing all the symptoms... I'm pretty sure I have it... wait what? I also think I have diabetes, malaria and Toxoplasmosis.
A Free Bee
So today Danielle and I went to the Hardrock Cafe Casino Park thingy to sign up for a free players club. If you did, like we did, you get $50 to play with. So we got our card, sat down at a slot machine, push one button, and cashed out the $49.99 and left. Ha ha suck it Mobsters that own the casinos (note:This is Brian's attorney, he in no way has disrespect for the mob. He loves all kinds of mobs; like mobs of kittens or a mob of angry Brazilian Soccer fans. He has watched every episode of the Sopranos. Although it could have a more masculine name like: The Throat Slicers or the Altos.)((This is the attorney of Brian's Attorney- he in no way means to insinuate that the mob represented in the Sopranos were unmasculine, but if you think he was being disrespectful you can get him at 345 Johnson St., Cleveland, OH. )) If I did hurt the Mob's feelings, I'm really the current bachelor... please come kill me.
love you blog,
Brian
Friday, February 13, 2009
Friday the 13th
Hey Blog,
The Day From Hell
So I never really have believed in Friday the 13th but today made me a believer. Here is what happened
1)It started out at 4am, some guy in a hockey mask holding a machete is standing at the end of my bed. So I get out of bed in fear, and stub my toe... OUCH!!!!
2) Danielle (my girlfriend) has a job this morning, she's thinks it's in Miami- so we get up at 6am I drive her there. After I drop her off she finds out it's in Ft Lauderdale- about 45 minutes away from where she is, she tries calling me... my cell phone has been shut off. She then calls ATT, pays my bill and finally gets a hold of me an hour later after I have fought traffic down and back ( 2 hrs total) I have to do it again.
3) Found out- their is no tooth fairy
4) I ended up working at the last minute (yeah!!!) come out at the end of the job... car has a flat (no yeah)
5) Joanna Pacitti is eliminated from American Idol (well I read this yesterday but it still made today worse)
6) Went to the movies- Friday the 13th was sold out!!!
What a day!!! Well at least I don't have to worry about tomorrow.... oh SHIT!!! Tomorrow's Valentines DAY and I've done nothing!!!!
I need to sleep blog.. love Brian
The Day From Hell
So I never really have believed in Friday the 13th but today made me a believer. Here is what happened
1)It started out at 4am, some guy in a hockey mask holding a machete is standing at the end of my bed. So I get out of bed in fear, and stub my toe... OUCH!!!!
2) Danielle (my girlfriend) has a job this morning, she's thinks it's in Miami- so we get up at 6am I drive her there. After I drop her off she finds out it's in Ft Lauderdale- about 45 minutes away from where she is, she tries calling me... my cell phone has been shut off. She then calls ATT, pays my bill and finally gets a hold of me an hour later after I have fought traffic down and back ( 2 hrs total) I have to do it again.
3) Found out- their is no tooth fairy
4) I ended up working at the last minute (yeah!!!) come out at the end of the job... car has a flat (no yeah)
5) Joanna Pacitti is eliminated from American Idol (well I read this yesterday but it still made today worse)
6) Went to the movies- Friday the 13th was sold out!!!
What a day!!! Well at least I don't have to worry about tomorrow.... oh SHIT!!! Tomorrow's Valentines DAY and I've done nothing!!!!
I need to sleep blog.. love Brian
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Doing Taxes
Hey Blog,
Taxes
So I did my taxes today. I use to hate doing my taxes and actually I've had an accountant do my taxes for the past 10 years. However, when you are out of work you have to cut corners, and since I don't want to fire my butler.... I used Turbo Tax. Let me say... they call it Turbo tax not because it literally only took me 3 1/2 seconds to do my taxes, but because I'm getting about $30 grand back (note I like to exaggerate numbers, the truth is it took about 2 hours to do my taxes and I only got about 2 grand back.)
Major Let-down
So I was driving on the interstate today and I noticed a police truck with it's lights on behind me. As I pulled over, which is the law, I noticed on the side it said "Crime Scene Unit." What?!!! Not only was it not an awesome silver hummer followed by a white Ferrari but it was a boring blah police truck. Boooooo Miami Booooo
That's all blog, oh yeah if you missed Joaquin Phoenix on Letterman go to CBS.com and check it out. It's funny yet depressing. It would make anyone rethink wanting to be a celebrity.
love,
Brian
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Va-uncation In the Keys
Hey Blog,
Va-uncation
Not sure what to call it when you don't have a job, yet you get to enjoy three days in a 2 million dollar house that has a beautiful scene of the Atlantic Ocean. I call it "awesome" for now. It's interesting that since I have been out of work I have been to 19 states, have experienced everything from Atlantic City to Key West. Maybe I'll stay unemployed, oh wait I miss eating and gambling and insurance... well I don't miss insurance just miss my Geico.
Homeless
I usually don't like the homeless. But in Key West, all I could do was hi-five them. Really if your going to be homeless, pick paradise. If your homeless in a city where it ever drops below 50, that's just stupid. Sorry to kick you while your down homeless, but lets face it, you have choices.
Okay blog I'm tired from being on vacation. I love you. So sorry I haven't blogged for a few days but this was the laptop I had was using, I think it was built for a hobbit.
Brian
Va-uncation
Not sure what to call it when you don't have a job, yet you get to enjoy three days in a 2 million dollar house that has a beautiful scene of the Atlantic Ocean. I call it "awesome" for now. It's interesting that since I have been out of work I have been to 19 states, have experienced everything from Atlantic City to Key West. Maybe I'll stay unemployed, oh wait I miss eating and gambling and insurance... well I don't miss insurance just miss my Geico.
Homeless
I usually don't like the homeless. But in Key West, all I could do was hi-five them. Really if your going to be homeless, pick paradise. If your homeless in a city where it ever drops below 50, that's just stupid. Sorry to kick you while your down homeless, but lets face it, you have choices.
Okay blog I'm tired from being on vacation. I love you. So sorry I haven't blogged for a few days but this was the laptop I had was using, I think it was built for a hobbit.
Brian
Saturday, February 7, 2009
The Week in Review- Vol 1
Hey Blog,
Well every Saturday I thought I would do a little recap of what happened this past week. Just think of Nancy Grace meets Andy Rooney with a dash of Keith Olbermann and a sprinkle of Perez Hilton... that would be one awesome human!!!
Michael Phelps
Now I'm not going to admit to you whether or not I every done the hashish. Don't ask, don't tell right? (Wait that has to do with being gay in the military. What a gay thing to say.) Anyway, not a big deal. Now if Micheal Phelps was hanging out with 7th graders or selling it to dolphins or a Dolphin (sorry Ricky Williams) then I can understand everyone getting upset. He's a swimmer not a President, let him swim. I really like how whenever they talk about the maryjane they always say its a "gate way" drug. That's like giving a 4 year a pipe cleaner during art class. He then starts to think, well I have a pipe cleaner now I need a pipe to clean. Well if your going to clean it better buy something to clean up, oh look little Richardo is now hook on black tar herion.
The Stimulus Package
Well at first I thought, "NOOOO not free Viagra for old people." Then I kept reading. So here are a list of things that are actually in the stimulus package. Regardless of your politics you should know what were paying for, well what your paying for... I don't have a job yet.
1) $6 billion High-speed Internet access for rural and underserved areas- So that guy underneath the overpass with the cardboard sign well get to participate in American Idol Chat groups during green lights
2) $650 million to help television viewers convert from analog to digital- I would get Stars... no HBO
3) $10 billion Science facilities- Does this mean they are going to build secret lairs for scientist, I think something under the sea would be impressive.
Oh and your going to get $500. Now I can get buy my house and first born back... Thanks Government!
that's all for now blog,
Brian
Well every Saturday I thought I would do a little recap of what happened this past week. Just think of Nancy Grace meets Andy Rooney with a dash of Keith Olbermann and a sprinkle of Perez Hilton... that would be one awesome human!!!
Michael Phelps
Now I'm not going to admit to you whether or not I every done the hashish. Don't ask, don't tell right? (Wait that has to do with being gay in the military. What a gay thing to say.) Anyway, not a big deal. Now if Micheal Phelps was hanging out with 7th graders or selling it to dolphins or a Dolphin (sorry Ricky Williams) then I can understand everyone getting upset. He's a swimmer not a President, let him swim. I really like how whenever they talk about the maryjane they always say its a "gate way" drug. That's like giving a 4 year a pipe cleaner during art class. He then starts to think, well I have a pipe cleaner now I need a pipe to clean. Well if your going to clean it better buy something to clean up, oh look little Richardo is now hook on black tar herion.
The Stimulus Package
Well at first I thought, "NOOOO not free Viagra for old people." Then I kept reading. So here are a list of things that are actually in the stimulus package. Regardless of your politics you should know what were paying for, well what your paying for... I don't have a job yet.
1) $6 billion High-speed Internet access for rural and underserved areas- So that guy underneath the overpass with the cardboard sign well get to participate in American Idol Chat groups during green lights
2) $650 million to help television viewers convert from analog to digital- I would get Stars... no HBO
3) $10 billion Science facilities- Does this mean they are going to build secret lairs for scientist, I think something under the sea would be impressive.
Oh and your going to get $500. Now I can get buy my house and first born back... Thanks Government!
that's all for now blog,
Brian
Friday, February 6, 2009
Pee Wee's Play House
Good Afternoon blog,
Pee Wee's Play House
I was thinking today how much I wish that inanimate objects spoke to me. What I wouldn't give to have a chair talk to me, telling me brilliant crafty jokes
"Do you know why aliens don't eat clowns?" asks Chairy
"Why?"
"Because they taste funny!!" everyone laughs
Job Update
So I actually had some good news on the job front which means I might be working again soon. I'll find out next week. This comes at a good time because well... I am completely broke. It's actually quite funny how broke I am, this was a phone conversation I had with a creditor just this a.m.
"Is this Brian?" ask the creditor with a strain in his voice
"Well, Yes it is." I proudly state.
"You own us a lot of money, how can we get you to pay us?"
"Wanna buy a kidney?"
He didn't laugh. I actually am selling my kidneys right now they are buy one get one free.
Movie Levels
So I have figured out that I have 3 systems in my brain when it comes to how harshly I judge a movie.
1) Did I pay to see it in a theater? If I did I tend to judge it very harshly, a 9 lets say on the Oliver-Platt harshness scale. (Note: This isn't the actor Oliver Platt but rather the Oliver-Platt harshness scale with 1 not being very harsh to 10, ouch that was harsh)
2) Did I pay to rent it? I tend to rate them at a 5 on the same scale. For example, I loved Super Rod on DVD but probably would have hated it in theaters
3) Did I get to see it for free? here are a list of movies that I thought should have won the Oscar just because I didn't pay a dime: Friday the 13th 1-8, 27 Dresses (however it should have been called 26 dresses and a suit), Hotel For Dogs, Titanic (wait that did win an Oscar), Gigli (pronounced G-Lee not Gig-Lee) and Transformers (instant classic)
Sorry blog I rambled today, love you
Brian
Pee Wee's Play House
I was thinking today how much I wish that inanimate objects spoke to me. What I wouldn't give to have a chair talk to me, telling me brilliant crafty jokes
"Do you know why aliens don't eat clowns?" asks Chairy
"Why?"
"Because they taste funny!!" everyone laughs
Job Update
So I actually had some good news on the job front which means I might be working again soon. I'll find out next week. This comes at a good time because well... I am completely broke. It's actually quite funny how broke I am, this was a phone conversation I had with a creditor just this a.m.
"Is this Brian?" ask the creditor with a strain in his voice
"Well, Yes it is." I proudly state.
"You own us a lot of money, how can we get you to pay us?"
"Wanna buy a kidney?"
He didn't laugh. I actually am selling my kidneys right now they are buy one get one free.
Movie Levels
So I have figured out that I have 3 systems in my brain when it comes to how harshly I judge a movie.
1) Did I pay to see it in a theater? If I did I tend to judge it very harshly, a 9 lets say on the Oliver-Platt harshness scale. (Note: This isn't the actor Oliver Platt but rather the Oliver-Platt harshness scale with 1 not being very harsh to 10, ouch that was harsh)
2) Did I pay to rent it? I tend to rate them at a 5 on the same scale. For example, I loved Super Rod on DVD but probably would have hated it in theaters
3) Did I get to see it for free? here are a list of movies that I thought should have won the Oscar just because I didn't pay a dime: Friday the 13th 1-8, 27 Dresses (however it should have been called 26 dresses and a suit), Hotel For Dogs, Titanic (wait that did win an Oscar), Gigli (pronounced G-Lee not Gig-Lee) and Transformers (instant classic)
Sorry blog I rambled today, love you
Brian
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Weird Fears
Hey Blog,
I have a weird fear
I have been living in South Florida with my mom since I've been out of work. She has a beautiful house but one problem. There are no blinds on the windows. Now I hate the feeling as if I'm in a fish bowl plus what do I do when I'm in the buff. I don't want people seeing my land of amusement so speak. Then it dawned on me, nobody wants to see my Disneyland. If somebody walked by and saw all my roller coasters, they would throw up in their mouth a little, kind of like you probably did when you read this.
Getting in shape
So I have lost some weight since I moved down to South Florida. I use to think that I gained weight because I was lazy. But no, I gained weight because it was always 2 degrees outside and if I wanted to workout I had to wear enough clothes to fly to the moon. Your fat, my advice, move to South Florida.
I really need to get rid of my computer
I have found this rectangular tool of Satan is the only way for me to receive any nugget of hope in my life. Since I'm out of work all I have is my email inbox to cheer me up. That's probably why I check it 402 times a day and the most hopeful feeling in the world is when I look down and see Gmail-Inbox(1)-bei.... Of course then I open it up and it's a coupon for 10% to Kohls. My life might suck but at least I look good in this polo shirt I got for $12.99
I love you blog thanks for listening,
Brian
I have a weird fear
I have been living in South Florida with my mom since I've been out of work. She has a beautiful house but one problem. There are no blinds on the windows. Now I hate the feeling as if I'm in a fish bowl plus what do I do when I'm in the buff. I don't want people seeing my land of amusement so speak. Then it dawned on me, nobody wants to see my Disneyland. If somebody walked by and saw all my roller coasters, they would throw up in their mouth a little, kind of like you probably did when you read this.
Getting in shape
So I have lost some weight since I moved down to South Florida. I use to think that I gained weight because I was lazy. But no, I gained weight because it was always 2 degrees outside and if I wanted to workout I had to wear enough clothes to fly to the moon. Your fat, my advice, move to South Florida.
I really need to get rid of my computer
I have found this rectangular tool of Satan is the only way for me to receive any nugget of hope in my life. Since I'm out of work all I have is my email inbox to cheer me up. That's probably why I check it 402 times a day and the most hopeful feeling in the world is when I look down and see Gmail-Inbox(1)-bei.... Of course then I open it up and it's a coupon for 10% to Kohls. My life might suck but at least I look good in this polo shirt I got for $12.99
I love you blog thanks for listening,
Brian
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
What Being Out of Work Is Like
Dear Blog,
As you know I haven't had a job since last August. Now since then I have done some random jobs here and there:
This past week I was in a Focus Group for (this portion of the blog has been censored by Brian's attorney because he signed a confidentially form in this matter) ha ha crazy story huh!!
I also have been doing some spokesperson work- here's a clip
I was spongebob
I was an extra for a Hannah Montana concert. That's right I got paid to be in the audience and cheer the most talented singer since Etta James. She's amazing.
I was a stylist for David Hasselhoff. 
I really need to get a real job don't I.
Love you blog,
Brian
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Everything is Free Today
Dear Blog,
During the Super Cup there was a commerical for Denny's that said you could get a free Grand Slam Breakfast. So it got me to thinking, I wonder how many things I can get today for free? Let the adventure begin!!!
8:15am arrive in line to get my free Denny's Grand Slam
8:45am head over to the Gulfstream casino to get my free $25 in slot tokens
8:46am hit the free continental breakfast at the Ramada on Hollywood Blvd
10:30am back to Denny's
11:30am cash in my rewards for a free plane ticket to Atlanta
12:30pm arrive in Atlanta and head to Denny's
1:30pm fly back to Ft Lauderdale with another free ticket
3:30pm take a free cab ride back to Denny's ( well it wasn't suppose to be free- but I'm in good running shape)
4:00pm get kicked out of Denny's for demanding my free Grand Slam, the promotion apartly ended at 2p
5:00pm arrive at the Holiday End for free happy hour
7:30pm pass out drunk in the street
9:00pm enjoy a free night in jail!!!
What a day!!! Love you blog, which by the way is free!!
Brian
During the Super Cup there was a commerical for Denny's that said you could get a free Grand Slam Breakfast. So it got me to thinking, I wonder how many things I can get today for free? Let the adventure begin!!!
8:15am arrive in line to get my free Denny's Grand Slam
8:45am head over to the Gulfstream casino to get my free $25 in slot tokens
8:46am hit the free continental breakfast at the Ramada on Hollywood Blvd
10:30am back to Denny's
11:30am cash in my rewards for a free plane ticket to Atlanta
12:30pm arrive in Atlanta and head to Denny's
1:30pm fly back to Ft Lauderdale with another free ticket
3:30pm take a free cab ride back to Denny's ( well it wasn't suppose to be free- but I'm in good running shape)
4:00pm get kicked out of Denny's for demanding my free Grand Slam, the promotion apartly ended at 2p
5:00pm arrive at the Holiday End for free happy hour
7:30pm pass out drunk in the street
9:00pm enjoy a free night in jail!!!
What a day!!! Love you blog, which by the way is free!!
Brian
Monday, February 2, 2009
The Super Cup
Dear Blog,
Sorry I have to call it cup, but my lawyers informed me that if I use bowl with that grand word together that I am violating copyright laws. When told that I thought of printing of t-shirts with bowl marked out and cup on the side, then purchasing a commerical during the game for 3 million. Since I'm out of work, I spent my last 3 million on stamps and resume paper.
The Super Cup Commericals
I really didn't have a favorite commerical, although I did notice this. There were a lot of monkeys. Here is a recent email from a major ad agency that sheds light on why they pick monkeys.
Chip,
We have spent over 6 million for two ads during the Superbowl. We only have $32 and a gift card to Walmart left. You think we could get a monkey for that.
Steve
Steve,
I know a guy.
Chip.
ps, I love monkeys unless they get mad then they throw there own poop
I still have no job
Everyday I continue to grow bitter and more recluse. I was trying to figure out what job with those qualities I could get and it hit me, movie critic. I went on to rottentomatoes.com and I noticed that collectively the movie critics have hated every single mainstream movie that has come out in the last six months except Marley and Me and Role Models and those barely made it. A documentary on eels got 95% percent.
"Hey honey, want to see a movie tonight?" I ask
"Sure, what's showing?" Danielle replies with excitement.
"Well the critics really like this movie about the part that peanut butter plays in the removal of Hitler."
I love you blog,
Brian
ps, a giant rat saw it's shadow and now we will have 6 more weeks of winter. I still have a sunburn. I love South Florida.
Sorry I have to call it cup, but my lawyers informed me that if I use bowl with that grand word together that I am violating copyright laws. When told that I thought of printing of t-shirts with bowl marked out and cup on the side, then purchasing a commerical during the game for 3 million. Since I'm out of work, I spent my last 3 million on stamps and resume paper.
The Super Cup Commericals
I really didn't have a favorite commerical, although I did notice this. There were a lot of monkeys. Here is a recent email from a major ad agency that sheds light on why they pick monkeys.
Chip,
We have spent over 6 million for two ads during the Superbowl. We only have $32 and a gift card to Walmart left. You think we could get a monkey for that.
Steve
Steve,
I know a guy.
Chip.
ps, I love monkeys unless they get mad then they throw there own poop
I still have no job
Everyday I continue to grow bitter and more recluse. I was trying to figure out what job with those qualities I could get and it hit me, movie critic. I went on to rottentomatoes.com and I noticed that collectively the movie critics have hated every single mainstream movie that has come out in the last six months except Marley and Me and Role Models and those barely made it. A documentary on eels got 95% percent.
"Hey honey, want to see a movie tonight?" I ask
"Sure, what's showing?" Danielle replies with excitement.
"Well the critics really like this movie about the part that peanut butter plays in the removal of Hitler."
I love you blog,
Brian
ps, a giant rat saw it's shadow and now we will have 6 more weeks of winter. I still have a sunburn. I love South Florida.
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