The Upsale

Hey Blog,

The Upsale
I have always thought the upsale was a rather tacky sales idea. I understand from statistics and the internet that the upsale is something that is rather useful for businesses who are trying to add just a little more revenue. So I thought for the next week I would buy everything that was upsaled to me. First stop the post office. I just went to mail a package to my son... I left with a p.o. box, boxes for packing, a stamp machine and an old postal truck (actually it's pretty cool, since the steering wheel is on the other side, I like to drive on the wrong side of the road and sing British pub songs)

Candy Corn
Could you imagine the marketing group that had to sell this idea.

"Okay guys, we have a new kind of candy, what should we call it?" asks the a tall slender man with coke bottle glasses.
"Can we call it Satan's ass chunks? That's kinda of what it tastes like." said one executive
"How about Candy teeth? It is shaped like a tooth." another yells
"I got it Candy Corn, because even though its made from chalk and glue... it looks like corn, everyone will be tricked into thinking it's actually editable. "
Evil laughs break out around the room.

I wonder why they haven't made candy broccoli or candy eggplant. I would try candy cauliflower.

Seasame Street Anniversary
So it's the 40th anniversary of Seasame Street. If your anywhere around my age you remember sitting in a osh gosh jumper, sucking down a capri sun and enjoying the rambling of Bert and Ernie, Big Bird and Count Von Count. Those were simple days, when the big news was which letter and number I learned for the day. However, I did have a unibrow till I was in the 5th grade because Bert told me to be me. Kids can be cruel.

Okay blog, have a good day..

JD

The Balloon Boy is my hero

Hey Blog,

I'll be honest, I love the stuff on the balloon boy. How rich that a Dad would spend time building an alien space craft that surveys rain clouds.

"So rain clouds, do you feel wet?" surveys alien space craft
"Sometimes." answers rain cloud
"Me too." as alien space craft puts his arms around rain cloud.

I don't fault the Dad for what he did, he's just trying to get on a reality tv show... and he did. Tool Academy

Fine for @#$

I was training for my half-marathon the other day and saw a sign that said "Fine for not picking up dogs waste $25-$200"

My first thought was to congratulate the dogs, because you know all the dogs got together in the early 90's and were like, "hey lets get back with these humans... let's make them pick up our crap!!!" then their evil plan was put into action.

Then I was wondering what is the difference between a $25 and let's say a $150 fine. Is it whether or not your dog ate corn the night before? Maybe it goes by weight, color or maybe texture

"Hey Bob, how was work today?" ask Steve at the bar
"Good, Steve.... I totally fined a chick and her dog for $125... you should have seen the size of his stool, it even have hotdogs in it!!!" as Bob gives Steve a high five
"What's that smell?"

good night blog,
JD

Two In a Row... I'm like the Lions

wait the Lions lost... my bad.


Hey Blog,

Monday Night Football

So tonight Dani P and I are going to meet up with some friends to watch football together. Dani is really excited because she has been having a hard time finding friends. Well now here we go to watch football, drink some brews and have a good time. However, it got me to think.... Dani hates watching football. You see when we first started dating we would go watch football all the time... she would talk stats, explain the nickel defense and she even knew the New England fight song. Now, after two years of being together, she refuses to watch. Except now we have "new friends" she's a fan again. Beware new friends, a year from now we'll all be watching Hollywood Housewives or Toddlers and Tiaras instead of football.

Some random thoughts

I got a letter today that said "to whom it may concern," that's actually my cousins name... I bet he gets a ton of mail.

I was in a dunk tank over the weekend, all I could keep thinking was... "now I know how chicken nuggets feel"

If you don't shave between your eyes we call that a unibrow.... but if we do we just call them eyebrows... shouldn't they be could bi-brows?

Speaking of shaving, I shave my feet.

Sometimes when I text in the car... i'm swearing at the other drivers

I call them snowwoman because they have no junk.

okay that's all blog, have a good day.

-JD

Crazy life... crazy people and that's my excuse

Hey Blog,

So apparently people do read this blog.. and I it's been a super long time since I've updated it. In my defense, I feel like I have a miraid of outlets to share my personal excursion. However, you made it known... actually you demanded that I blog... So here I go.

Toast
I don't trust my toaster. Sometimes I think I'm going to leave it in too long, so I stand over it and watch it. However, I can't tell whether or not it's actually being toasted, cause all I see are those red hot grills on the side... So I hit the up button and sure enough it isn't toasted. Of course, you can't just push it back down.. cause the toaster likes to punish you for not having faith in it.

Law of Attraction
I have been reading a lot of books lately about the law of attraction. It simply states that what you think about is what you attract. So I have decided to put it to the test. It totally works, I now drive a porsche, travel all the time and I have a lion's tail. Thanks Universe.

Mustache
I have been trying to grow a mustache, mostly because i'm 35 and was hoping that I still didn't grow facial hair like a 12 year old girl. I do. However, I do have the chest of a 12 year old boy... that's right one hair named Harold.

In an effort to create synergy in my life I have decided to use more words like synergy and to use every avenue possible to create my own online community. So here are all the ways we can touch each other.... wait, twitter: http://twitter.com/JDGATOR1079 facebook: http://www.facebook.com/brian.jd.sims?ref=name more facebook: type in The Gator Morning show

love you blog,
JD

Death and the Birthday Fairy

Hey Blog,

My birthday was last week and I realize other than Jesus no one gets a fictional character for there birthday. Halloween has ghosts, you lose your teeth, you get a fairy... why not a magical birthday fairy that leaves you present at the foot of your bed. Or an aging midget that kicks you in the shins... anything would be cool.

Michael Jackson
He died. It's sad, although it seems to me that everybody forgot that he was messed up in the head. If you ever wanted to be Rich and Famous... look at the life of Michael Jackson. I get the rich part... I would love to have an indoor pool full of gummy bears and jelly beans, but I couldn't handle not being able to leave my palace without having people all over my grills. Every where you went people would bother you, pulling at you, taking your picture... no wonder he was crazy.

Transformers
Was long. Seriously that movie needed an intermission. Plus the birthday midget left my son a transformer for his birthday, I think you need a degree from MIT to figure the thing out. It made me feel dumb, like Microsoft Vista and people who can speak more than one language.

that's all, love you blog
JD

Hey Blog,

I hate summer television, I never understood why they can't keep our shows running all year long. I mean I have to work all year long. It seems it would make sense for advertising. Therefore I am forced to watch shows like the bachelorette. Here is every conversation on the bachlorette

"So Kipton tell me about yourself?" said the bachelorette
" Well I'm the kind of guy that never self analizes himself."
" Your cute lets make out!"

Kids
I have had the opportunity to observe parents of little kids the past few weeks and I thinks it funny the interactions they have. This was a recent interactions between my co-host Blue and Tim Mcginnis from Channel 15 as their kids played together.

"So Tim how you liking the new job at Channel 15" asked Blue
"It's going really good Blue.... hey hey put that snake head down.... everybody is really nice." Tim replies
"Yeah you do a great... hey don't drink that battery acid... job over there... no no son, don't choke that bunny." Blue exclaims
"Thanks, I really like your sh.... HEY!!!! DON'T HANG YOUR SISTER FROM A TREE!!!... ow at Gator."

I love kids. I was going to book a party at Wee Jump and go to the parks and invite random kids to go.. but then I thought, that's a really bad idea.

love you blog,
JD

Being a Celebrity

Hey Blog,

Dani P is on an Episode of Burn Notice tonight on USA. It is the start of her celebrity. She has mentioned several times that she wants to be on a reality tv show, actually the bachlor... I think she broke up with me.

I'm a celebrity get me out of here
I had a chance to watch this show last night. It sucked. Really two Baldwin brothers and Sanjaya?!?!? My pool guy is more of a celebrity, he use to be on Eight is Enough. Anyway, I just want to be famous enough to be on a celebrity weight-loss show or a guess briefcase on Deal or No Deal.

Hide a key
So after having to break into my new place 7 times I had the bright idea of making another key and hiding it. Unless you the biggest idiot in the world you should have no problem finding my key. It's under the only thing on my porch it could be under... the buddha statue. Great idea... might as well just leave the door open with posted hours of when i'm gone.

love you blog,
JD

I am Legendary

Hey Blog,

I was asked to place "The Legendary" before the name of an artist coming to town. I was always under the assumption that you had to be dead to be "Legendary" but appartently not. Just really super awesome and old.

New Cell Phone
I have always wondered why anybody changes their cell number. The area codes don't matter and honestly it's kind of a pain. Now the reason I do is because I always like to have a local number for the area I live in, I just think it's smart business. However, I don't think that was the reason the person who had the number before gave up their number. Let me explain to you a recent conversation

"Hello" I answer
" Is Trina, there." says the Gruff voice
"Sorry you have the wrong number." I explain
"I called xxx-xxxx is that right."
"Yes that's right but..." he cuts me off
"You @#$ #$%$% $%&$ #$@#$ G@#$@# h^&^&j#$%#$%y MY GIRL" he yells
"Ummm NO... My name is Adam Lambert don't you read Rolling Stone!!! " I hang up

ha ha ha....

love you blog,
JD

Celebrity Addictions

Hey Blog,

Robots

We had Darius Rucker over the weekend perform at the House of Blues and I thought it was interesting the reaction that people who meet him had. Rude? he wasn't..... he just wasn't engaging. On stage, he was amazing... worked the crowd, very passionate. It lead me to wonder if in fact all celebrities are robots. I have always thought for years that celebrities start out as people, but as they age they are secretly put in a mountain cavern to live out there years while a perfect human robot replica finishes out there lives. It would make sense. Anyone else see Lionel Ritchie lately? Hasn't age a day since 1982!!

MTV Movie Awards

Now I'm all about dropping a good F bomb here and there, but what is the point if the TV network that airs your programming won't allow it. Also does anyone turn to their TV watching partner and go "no idea what swear word they used.... I think it was in french." Was the Enimem thing real? I think it was staged like Princess Diana death and Regis' career. I did like the Ben Stiller tribute with Triumph the insult dog, puppets are always funny. I would be ticked though if I was a puppet and I saw that guy that shoves his hands up my inners walk out of the bathroom without washing he's hands.

Jay Leno is dead
Or so I thought, come to find out that NBC is just moving his show. You would have thought by the coverage that Jay Leno had invented popcorn or parachute pants ( I miss how comfy they were, plus they had so many pockets.) He isn't even leaving TV... he's just replaces Law and Order: Walmart Shoplifting Unit.

Got to go blog, it's 90 plus weather and the beach is calling my name. I know what your thinking... great I'm hearing voices again!!!

-JD

The Furniture and The Apple

Hey Blog,

So I was eating an apple this morning and I accidently ate the sticker they put on the apple. Now i'm rather sure that I won't die from some sort of sticker poisioning, but at first I was nervous. Remember scratch and sniff stickers, how funny would it be if they put a scratch and sniff of an orange on an apple, I would totally get confused. This looks like an apple but smells like an orange.

Furniture
My stuff got here yesterday and as I was putting everything in its proper place I realized something. I hate my stuff. Seriously, if all of it would have crashed and burned on the side of an interstate and I got a check for my stuff... that would have been a day to commerate. I would build a golden idol to that day and I would celebrate it bi-annually. Regardless, I got my stuff and it all smells like storage unit sweat gross-ness.

Matt Nathanson
So last week I was able to enjoy a 30 minute car ride with Matt N. I have been a big fan of his music for the past fews years and I really enjoyed spending causal time with him. It's interesting, I have never been one to get that star struck... I have actually meet quite a few celebrities but there are only four celebrities that I would want to spend any quality time with... Ryan Seacrest, Christopher Gorham, Zach Braff and Matt Nathanson. I have met two out of the four not bad.

that's all blog...
love,
JD

Things I do when I should be working

Matt Nathanson In Studio- I'm a big fan!!!

Dani P Bruising her finger in front of 1,000's

You can Tube

Hey Blog,

It is one of those mornings where all I can do to motivate myself is to watch youtube videos. Nothing like crying to old White Lion songs, learning how to deliver a baby in a taxi cab and watching old clips of monte python's the holy grail. What a grand website.

Movers
So it has been a week longer than they said it would be to have my stuff moved. Actually I take that back, when they wanted me as a client they said "It could take up to 14 days." It has been 13 days, but what do you do now??? If I complain they'll drop my stuff off in Kentucky and send me my money back.

Celebrities on Reality TV Shows
I think they ran out of celebrities for Reality TV Shows. There is a new show on Fox that has Baby Jessica on it, she is famous because she fell into a well when she was 3!!! If I get hit by a bus or shoot myself in the head with a nail gun can I be on a reality tv show??!??!

X-Men Was Awesome
Not really. I hate to be the guy that points out continuity flaws but apparently none of the mutants had "lock picking abilities." If you just put them in a metal cage they're like "Crap, I can exploded stuff with my eyes but I can't do anything about this master lock!!"

that's all blog,
love,
JD

Crazy Week

Hey Blog,

Well hopefully I will get back in the swing of things with the blog. The recent fires, guests in town, moving out of hotel and my new country club membership all have left me without enough hours in the day to help pay attention to you.

Hamburger Race
On Wednesday Dani P, Rachel P and David P were at the Pelicans game where we dressed up like hamburgers and had to battle to the death. Okay.. no death battles, but Dani P and Rachel P had to build a burger on our backs the fastest. Dani P lost and she thinks she broke her thumb in the process. I guess she was meant to be a vegetarian.

People are strange
I have had more random people mad at me this week for the most bizarre reasons. Here are a list

1) A buddy is mad because I told him of a prank I was going to pull on him but didn't
2) An 8 year old is mad because we said on the air we think the Intermediate schools are for 4 years old
3) My new neigherboor is mad that I called his dog by the wrong name.
4) My mom is mad because I drank her cherry wine 4 months ago
5) Dani P got mad at me for calling her a dirty dirty whore ( okay that one I get )
6) My corns are mad at me. (I'm assuming because there killing me)
7) My pet pig Randy is mad because I won't take him to the Doc to check out his "flu"
8) We had a stand up comedian on the show whos in a wheelchair and he got mad because I used the word "Stand-up"

and finally your mad blog cause I neglected you. Never again.

love you,
JD

Nasty Fires in Myrtle Beach

Hey Blog,

Helicopter Ride

So we have had some rather nasty fires the past few days. Check out the video below. I will say that while I was in the helicopter I noticed at the foot of the pilot was the "pilot manual" Good news, never during the flight did he refer to it and go "Hmmm now how do I..."

ILAS

Morning Blog,

So I was watching DWTS last night and I realized that we abbreviate way to many things. Just FYI... ILAS means I love... crap I forgot. Even religious groups are abb. like WWJD, which stands for What wood Jesus dislikes... he's a fan of particle board.

Please stop!!
Yesterday Dani P and I went to a beach bar and enjoyed some Long Island Ice Teas. Now we started talking... actually Dani went to the bar and got hit on by a guy and when she told him I was her boyfriend he keep fist pumping me. Seriously, stop the fist pumping?!?! It was cool about 5 years ago, but I've moved on to the gladiator arm shake.

This is really funny.

Saturn Total Confidence Program http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggrNzlyyjUY


have a great rest of your day blog,
JD

You Find out who your Friends Are

Hey Blog,

So I thought I would try my hand at being serious today.

Value
I have noticed something recently about myself and people around me. People will treat you with value if they see you have value. I'll give you a great example- watch this video about Susan Boyle.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk

You will see how the audience, the judges and everyone else looks at her with disgust as she is walking out of the stage. The audience and everyone else doesn't think she has any value. Then she sings, she's good, instant value.

The other day I was at a restuarant. The manager of the restaurant recognizes me, he then gave me my meal for free. I have value to him. However, if I lost my job or that value, I can guarantee that I wouldn't get any more free meals. Now I don't bring this up because I think we can change it, we can't.

Think of your past experiences with relationships or jobs. If you don't bring value to the relationship or job, eventually you will lose both. However, I will say this. A good friend, a good relative or even a great partner will always see the value in you... when you don't think you have any. Surround yourself around people that find you valuable even when you might not be. When I was out of work, I wasn't valuable. I didn't have any money, I had gained a bunch of weight, I wasn't feeling creative. Then one day with the help of Dani P, I realized... I am acutally a rather creative guy. I do have value and from there I started to blog my thoughts and ideas right here. Now 4 months later, I have a great job, great relationships and i've lost most of the extra weight. I have value. So do you by the way.

okay no more preaching.


JD

Dr Phil told me to do it

Hey blog,

I have been reading my previous blogs and I notice that i'm horrible at spelling. I have known this about myself since I was a child and I figured out why. It's because of that creepy speak and spell I had as a child. That little demon voice haunts me still to this day.

Movies
You think in the future they will remake movies that were popular today? When i'm sixty will my grandkids want to go see a remake of the Fast and the Furious? I notice they remake a lot of horror movies. They recently had a new Friday the 13th come out. I would think by now everybody would get that story arch. Kid drowns, kid comes back to life as psychic murderer, boobies, other kids die, the end!! I really hope they remake 27 dresses, I love that movie.

Dr Phil
He had a really good show on the other day about relationships. However, I figured out that he probably will never do a show about a husband who killed his wife because she would always quote things that Dr. Phil said on his show.

"How did your wife die?" asked the Police officer
"I couldn't take her telling me what to do anymore through the Dr. Phil show!!" the husband yells
"You should go on Springer!!"

that's all for now blog, pelican's game tonight!! Hopefully I don't skip the first pitch again.

love you,
JD

My parents would be so proud

Here is my lastest video-enjoy!!!!

Wow I can now blog from my cell phone! Now I really have no excuse to miss a blog. Thank you blogspot for allowing me to take full advantage of toliet time. I'm not on the toliet right now, but I could be! I also might be in a dressing room, in court or in front of the mirror talking in a hair brush. You'll never know. I can tell you where I won't be. In prison, driving, or at an antique show. Not because I can't text at an antique show, its just I boycott antiques ever since I got taken by that damn PBS show! I knew my picture of richardo montabon was worth more than $1.28 enough bloggun via text, I need to hurry and vote for my favorite American idol! Peace

Happy Easter!!!

Hey Blog,

Had a good weekend. Actually got 3 days off which i think I needed to just get my sanity back. I have been back in the hotel for a little over a week. If you have ever spent a lot of time in a hotel after a while you start going crazy. It's kinda of like jail but without all the nasty stabbings.

Opening Pitch
So I got to throw out the first pitch at the Pelicans game over the weekend. It's a little over 60 feet to the catcher and I didn't make it the entire way. The Easter Bunny actually did a better job than I did. However, after I went back to my seat I had someone yell "Don't quit your day job." It got me to think. You know, even if I had thrown a 98 mile hour fast ball i'm pretty sure I wouldn't turn in my resignation the next day so I can go on tour throwing out the first pitch at random minor league baseball games over the country. I'm also pretty sure i'm not going to "quit my day job" to play Golden Tee either.

Nightclubing
I went to a pretty cool nightclub on Saturday night. While I was there I realized. I have no business being a nightclub at my age. Here are signs your too old for a nightclub

1) You complain it's too loud.
2) Your shirt is from Tommy Bahama
3) You don't know what the X's mean on a girl's hand
4) You dig that new song "Baby Got Back"
5) When you get the bar bill you tell back in my day shots were only a nickel stories

okay blog-- I get to be a ringmaster tonight at the circus. I think I might wear my Tommy Bahama shirt.

love,
JD

Beer in the Face

Hey Blog,

Here is the video for our beer in the face for charity

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vi-NPzJAmo8

I get hit in the neck.

Dani P and the fight
So Dani P and I got in a really stupid fight yesterday. Have you ever been in the middle of a fight and you realize that your an idiot. That was me yesterday. I'm an idiot. I'm going to let her throw a beer at me today.

Make Money
I have a new ad on my website. It's called Vemma. It's a company that sells energy drinks. It's got all the cool ingredients that can help you through out the day. I get up early so I like it a lot. You can only get it through this website. You can also sell it yourself if your looking to make some extra money. The funny thing is when I was in college I use to get approached all the time from people wanting me to sell this or that. I always would say "Show me a check and I'll sign up." Well the guy that signed me up showed me a check, it was for about $400. He adverages that a week. Not bad. So sign up, buy it, sell it and make some extra scratch.

that's all for now- love you blog,

JD

Bad Days make the Good Days Better

Hey Blog,

This was my day yesterday. Which means today should be a great day!!

1) My personal trainer broke up with me yesterday. He said that it wasn't me but my metabolism.

2) My house remains on the market. The people that made the offer pulled it.

3) I found out I went 1950 minutes over on my cell phone. I owe AT&T $867.09

4) Michigan State lost by 40 points. I had a grand on the game.

5) I found out my car is haunted. Stupid ghosts

6) I think my foot is broken. Stupid foot.

7) I ordered a sauage egg biscuit from McDonalds, they gave me a McGriddle. Ughhh!!

8) My grandmother is dead. It was in 2005 but still shes dead and I know I won't get an Easter basket from her.

Today should be a good day.

love you blog,
JD

ps, For charity later on tonight Blue and I will have a beer thrown in our face. We hope lots of people show up to see this. I know it will be a lot of fun and it's for a good cause- March of Dimes, try to make it out to Gordon Biercsh tonight.

Good weekend, well half of it

Hey Blog,

I learned a vaulable lesson over the weekend. Don't go drinking with a guy that works at a Rock Station. Let's just say my night out on Friday, still hasn't ended for me. I woke up this morning in an empty field being licked by a cow.

Twitter
I am an official "twit" on twitter. I have no idea how to use it. I think you can update via the text message, but for some reason it isn't working. I do apologize to the woman somewhere in the southern part of Spain that kept getting this text from me "help me I can't twit right, my twit isn't working!!" her response " you might want to go to the hospital to fix that." Apparently it was 3 in morning there and she had to get up early to swash buckle the French. here is my twitter link twitter.com/jdgator1079



Back to the Hotel
So Captian Amazing needed his place back for a few days. Which I get.. I snore. Really loud. Sorry. I like being in a hotel but there are something that you really start miss.

1) if me and Dani P have a disagreement, I have to go to the office part of the hotel suite that just consist of a table and a lamp in the corner.
2) We have to use the heater on the coffee pot to cook chicken.
3) The only way to clean your under garmets is in the sink
4) You can't lick the remote- cause it's too dirty
5) You always realize you need ice as soon as your down to your birthday suit
6) You worry that if there is a fire you won't be able to local the necessary fire exits
7) After a few days you realize that you probably have watched every movie at 10.99 a pop

okay, big game tonight GO STATE!!!!

love,
JD

Yeah... Nu Clothes

Hey Blog,

I feel like a little school boy on his first day of school. I went clothes shopping and I have that new clothes smell.. ahhhhh!! So fresh!!!

A Hynoptist

So tonight I'm going to a comedy show where a hynoptist will perform. I'm really hoping that he can help me kick my obession with collecting stuff animals. Every since I was four i would always have a stuffed animal party on my bed. I have Clyde the Monkey, Fozzy the Bear, The Noid, and Bonnie the monkey that is Clyde's boyfriend.... oh course she is missing an eye. Now that i'm 34 it's rather embarrassing but I can't seem to part with my old childhood buddies.

Beer in Face
After our April Fool's Joke we thought we would make it up to those that were "Super duped" SO for charity we are giving the option of throwing a beer in my and Blue's face!!! If you would like to bid here is the link http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=120400822604 The bid is low right now, so get in their and bid!!!

thats all for now blog,

love,
JD

Happy April Fool's Day

Hey Blog,

April Fool's Day

What a fun day!!! So we put on a fake concert, put it on the air.... sorry if you fell for the location. We thought if we gave a location that didn't really exist that people wouldn't actually go down to the location. But we were wrong... Anyway thanks to the Myrtle Beach police department for not arresting me and Blue. Plus, I hope everyone enjoyed some live music on the station!!!

TV Time
SO I was on the local news last night and well... if you are ever looking for a weight loss plan, go on TV. I kid you not I looked liked I swallowed a small goat before they put me on the show. Plus I didn't have any High-Definition make up so you could see my crows feet from the kitchen. I got to be on TV with the weather guy. What a great job!! You get take the one conversation that most people have with each other and turn it into a career. Could you imagine his day?

" Hey Ed, how about the weather" I ask
" We'll we have a cold front coming in from the northwest, look for showers later this afternoon with a high of 61." Chief Meteorolist Ed P continues
"Looking at Doppler 4001 we see hail on the south end of town and snow in the mountains."
"You have a pretty smile, hold me in a thunderstorm!!" I shrug

okay blog off again tonight to judge a jingle contest!!! Not sure what that even means, but as a judge I will be stern but honorable.

love,
JD

My teeth look bad

Hey Blog,

So Blue said I need to get my teeth whitening. Dani always tries to get me to wear Crest White Strips... I'm seeing a common theme. You love me the way I am, don't you blog?

Charity Event
So tonight I will be at Gordan Bierch for a charity event. I always think it funny when people get drunk for charity, my hangover the next morning feels better when I know I did it for a good cause.

Dirty Things
I dont consider myself a germ a-phobe but I have been thinking a lot lately of the things that are really dirty around me.

1) My keyboard that I blog on, is flithy... oh god I just touched my eye
2) The remote control in my bedroom.
3) My eye
4) The door handle of my car.
5) The top of my germX.
6) Did you know you can get crabs from a public toilet seat? Thanks to my 7th grade science teacher Mr. Hendershot for telling me that 20 years ago, since then if i'm doing number two in public.. I panic.
7) A one dollar bill- it's like carry a toliet in your purse or back pocket!!
8) Next time you eat at a restaurant before you put that fork in your mouth, think of how many 100's or 1000's of people have had that in their mouth, then think... you are trusting the restaurant to clean that fork... then you look on the floor and see raw sewage.

okay i'm going to go throw up now blog.

love,
JD

To Much Info Lady

Hey blog,

Haircut
So Dani made me get a haircut yesterday, which is rather painful for me because I'm not sure how many I have left... keep your fingers cross. Now I understand that some people enjoy talking, I do.. heck I make a living out of talking. But when all I want to do is get my haircut I don't need all the sorted details of your life. This is a list of some of the things my hair dresser told me yesterday and I swear i'm not making any of these up.

1) Her grandmother found out when her husband died that he had another kid- she had 16 kids
2) Her dad and her and her kids are all bastards, as she puts it "My kids are third generation bastards."
3) Every family reunion she has ever had, the police are called.
4) Her grandmother had twins and one of the them was taken away from her at the birth
5) Her great aunt use to get beat by her husband
6) She loves to karaoke but she isn't that good.
7) She thinks my radio station is too slow after 12:30
8) mumble mumble mumble, laugh really loud

I could have lived my life without knowing most to all of that.

I love you blog,
JD

The Crazy Demon Squirrel

Hey Blog,

I had a fun time with my brother and Dad yesterday. I hadn't seen my brother for almost 4 years. We played a round of golf, which I haven't done in a long time as well. It was fun however there were these crazy demon squirrels. I had never seen anything like it, they had teeth like a walrus, they would stare at you and lick there lips and they keep trying to borrow money.

The Economy
So this might sound really really weird but ever since the economy has gone in the crapper, I put up an economy force field. Now I didn't buy a force field from a guy on ebay or anything, but I just imagined that I wouldn't be effected by the negative economy. Anyway, I have something really exciting that is happening that I can't mention right now, but once again... suck it economy!!!! Ha Ha Ha, I win again.

Buffalo Wild Wings
When Dani and I first went out together we went to BDub's. It was a magical time with beer and boneless chicken wings. However, now were both seeing a personal trainer, so all we could eat was a piece of lettuce, a sweet and low packet and water. I miss not caring what I put in my body.

Okay blog, I'll try not to miss another day. I have been really busy at work and I know I know, that no excuse. This Saturday i'm in Georgetown at the AT&T store from 2p-4p come out and get a new phone and say "hi"

love,
JD

The Pickle

Hey Blog,

It must be hater week, I had someone get mad at me because of my bio on the website. I can think of better things to get mad at like:
1) Injustice in Guam
2) The War in Iraq
3) The taste of sweet pickles
4) Obama on Leno
5) Jay Leno's bio
6) dead baby seals
7) Octomom (although she does has have 14 kids and should be Deca-four Mom)

Blood Drive
Not a big fan of giving blood. I keep having a recurring nightmare where I give blood then the nurse turns to me and says "Opps, you got no more!!" then she takes a bite of an eggplant. I know weird nightmare. Anyway come out to Broadway on the Beach today to give blood today from 11a-7p

Okay short one today... my body is achy and I think I have the bird flu. That's the last time I make out with a pigeon.

love you,
JD

The Consultant

Hey Blog,

Well Dani P is in town for good and I'm happy. Although, she lost her luggage... actually she didn't lose it at all the airlines lost it. That's the most helpless feeling when the luggage belt stops and they announce their is no other luggage.

The Consultant
Our radio station has a consultant and he is in town this week. We went out to dinner and I asked him "Should I get the chicken or steak?" Think about it that's really funny.

Randy Owen Show
I got to do the stage annoucements. I had actually prepared a few minutes of material but once I got onstage and saw that there wasn't a person under the age of 72 there, I thought it was best to shelve my jokes about text messaging and the Real World. Although, it's ironic that my phone wouldn't let me text the word texted instead it texts the word textrd. Also, with the blackberry you can't ever call an office or a bank where you have to spell a name or enter your id info over the phone... since I have a qwerty pad instead of ABC. Randy Owen has beautiful hair.

March Madness
I hate it. I use to like it but then I entered a pool where top prize is $2,500. I'm not going to win. But I found myself routing for the number 16 seed to upset the number 1 seed. Plus, I find myself making deals with Satan... over $2,500!!! Stupid brackets. I'm a loser. Satan has beautiful hair.

That's all blog,
JD

Dani P is almost here

Hey Blog,

Well Dani P will be here by the end of the day. You know how it is when your girl isn't with you, it feels like you are missing an arm. I can't wait to see her perfect smile and to be able to hold her again. I know I sound like a hallmark card but it's been a long three weeks... plus we can go to B-Dub's together again! Super Yay.

Flat Tire
It is interesting the questions that people ask you when they see you have a flat tire.

"How did that happen, you run over something?" said the hillybilly in the Truck
"I think aliens came down, tried to estabish first contact with the tire. After a few hours of the aliens trying to communicate, they shot the tire with a Hyberator Gun in disgust and flew off to Jupiter." I replied with a thick layer of sacrism
"Oh, I like meat." he drives off.

March Madness
I love saying bracketology. Say it with me... bracket... to..logy... Ha Ha Ha. My team didn't make it this year because the NCAA is racist. Okay that was harsh, their probably not racist. But they do hate the Germans. I am in a pool where the top prize is $2500. Yeah I know that's super awesome. If I win the money, I'm opening a home for german orphans and I'm buying a dolphin. Why not I live at the beach, I could just put it on a leash and tie it to the boat dock. I would name him Aquatic and feed him triscuts.

Okay blog I have to go to the hair dressers so I look good for my Dani P.

love,
JD

The Green Beer

Hey Blog,

I know it's late but I literally worked today from 5am-7:30p with no breaks, except for 20 minutes at Subway Eat Fresh and Dr. Fitness, where I have lost almost 3 inches and 6% body fat in less than 3 weeks... call him today 843-455-3235!!! (ha ha it's fun to advertise)

The Green Beer
When my parents were kids everybody smoked cigarettes. You would walk by the soda shop and dime store and see 10 year olds puffing on their Lucky Strikes. I think at one point people thought that smoking was healthy. Now lets take a trip 30 years in the future, shall we
"Well JD it looks like your pancreas has eaten your liver." said Dr. Spock
"Wow how did that happen?" I respond
"Remember all that Green Beer you drank for St. Patrick day during the 00's, oops... not a good idea it seems!!!" he laughs to the side and starts to cough to cover it up

Plastic Gloves
Today I went to Wal-mart to pick up some Salad and q-tips. As I was buying my stuff, I noticed the cashier was wearing plastic gloves. Really? So your afraid your going to get some sort of hand std while counting back my $13.72. Let's take another trip to the future shall we.
"So your lungs just consumed your heart... sorry about that." said Dr. Spock
"Wow, how did that happen?" The former Walmart cashier with plastic clothes asks
"The plastic gloves... their toxic, who would have thought! Hey at least you don't smoke!!"

Oh by the way, before I left, I licked the cashier on the cheek!! Ha Ha Ha

love you blog,
JD

Can't Wait for Dani P

Hey Blog,

Well only a few more days until Dani P shows up. She is making some rather big changes to live with me in Myrtle Beach and I'm really excited. She has already picked out our decor for the bathroom... Ryan Seacrest theme!! However, she wants a dog and I really don't think I'm ready for that kind of responsibility. Remember what happened when my old boss wanted me to take care of his parrot. Next thing I know the thing has a tattoo and is swearing in Urdu (which by the way is the national language of Pakistan- wikipedia rocks!!) So no dogs for now.

The New Facebook
I must be the biggest idiot in the world, because I go on facebook about 20 times a day and never realized it was different until I read everyone whining about the changes. So I did some investigating and found that there are things about the old facebook I missed, like;

1) No more free coupons to Denny's
2) I can't sign up to be in the free Nelson Mandala facebook club anymore
3) I noticed they don't have that one click thru that will help me make $40,000 dollars a week
4) I can't spy on my friends through there computers anymore (Jimmy get your hand out of your pants)
5) No more invites to Mobwars- seriously don't invite me, get a date... seriously
6) No more David Hasselhoff... damn you David Hasselhoff why did you cancel your account. At least your still on myspace

Okay blog, I'm dressing up tonight like the Incredible Hulk and going to go hang with co-eds at the bar. Peace out and Happy St. Patricks Day.

love,
JD

Meat on a Stick

Hey Blog,

So as you know I started with a personal trainer a few weeks ago. I have been struggling to eat right since I started. Just yesterday I went to the restaurant here in Myrtle Beach called Rioz. It is a brazillian steakhouse where they bring unlimited amounts of meat. I think I ate my body weight plus a toddler size child in meat yesterday. It's amazing to me that after that I would be hungry at all....ever

Bank Account
So today when I signed up for my bank account I was with a lady that I like to call "to much information lady." I have found that she is lonely and cried earlier in the day. I found out that she use to be a professional dart player for the San Diego Arrows and I found out that she once was the princess of a small island in the West Pacific. All great info, but I didn't care. Who I am kidding I cared and I almost teared up myself when you told me she cried earlier that day... stupid loneliness.

I talked about a new video that I made. Well the man said I couldn't show it. However, I did post it on my facebook. If your not my friend on facebook then shame on you... here's the link
I like having more friends just like you blog.

I love you,
JD

The Casino Boat and the Parade

Hey Blog,

I do love a nice relaxing Sunday morning. So far I've watching some tv, made breakfast and a little blue bird sat on my finger and sang to me... I love Myrtle beach.

The Casino Boat
It joins the two things I love the most. Gambling and a moving buffet. If you haven't had a chance it's a lot of fun, especially when the boat starts rocking and endless shrimp and crablegs are flying around everywhere. I didn't fair that well and to be honest it was all my fault. I went all in on a top hand only to be beat by a better top hand. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about it's like entering a beauty contests for zebras and I'm the only horse, I might win but lets face it I don't have those pretty zebra strips.

The Parade
If you have never been in a parade it is an interesting experience. You feel like your being watched and judged by ever person you past by. Of course it doesn't help when people hold up signs that says your a 4. I always wonder if aliens are watching us, laughing

"Hey, Gotex! Check this out.. this guy in a van is throwing earthly sugar wrapped yum yums to people who are watching as he drives by." upclexed Jozer
"Stupid earthlians!!! Woooo the Bacholer ons!!" repexes Gotex

that's all for now blog, new video online tomorrow at gator1079.com. Also I might plug it into the blog!!!

love,
JD

Like a Deer in Headlights

Hey Blog,

Deer

So I never had a fear of deer, but Danielle, my sweet flower of a girlfriend, once hit one doing 70. Totalled the car, she was fine... the deer is now jumping fences in heaven. Every morning on my drive in I see deer grazing on the side of the road. I usually whisper... don't jump in front of Al... (Al is the name of my car, I use to have a car named Samatha... I loved her, she died) It got me thinking of other things I'm afraid of:

1) Sharks
2) Bees
3) Pogo sticks
4) Moldy bread
5) Meet on a stick
6) Puppets

and a Korea guy who uses sarcasm.

Parade tomorrow
So tomorrow Blue and I are in a St. Patricks Day parade. Anybody have any idea who we honor for St. Patricks Day, other than the obvious some guy named Patrick. It got me thinking, probably not the best idea to have a holiday that usually involves heavy drinking and pinching to also have a parade with dangerous deadly automobiles. Just saying.... But come out and maybe you can catch the souvenir blarney stones will be throwing. (Who's idea was that?!)

that's all for now blog, I'll try to catch up with you this weekend.

love,
JD

Good Directions

Hey Blog,

Good Directions
So as you know I have only lived in Myrtle Beach for the past few weeks. I have found their are several ways that people give directions. There is the anger direction giver that "doesn't understand" why it is that you don't know where your going and is mad at you for not understanding where your going.

"It's right next to the dunkin dounts!" he yells
"Which one?" I ask
" Fine!!! Down the road from the McDonald's... you idiot!!" he sighs

There is the over detailed direction giver that gives landmarks that are familar to them but no one else.

"So you'll take a turn at the place that use to be called the Old Red Barn," they continue
"Although it hasn't been there for a couple of years. " they state Sweetly
" Thanks, I'll just stab myself in the eye there then." I reply

Then there is Garmin. My sweet lady voice of GPS that tells me in kind computerize british accent turn by turn directions. Sometimes when its just her and I in the car, I confess my undying love. I picture us running towards each other in a wheat field...my hair blowing in the wind.... her power cord blowing in the wind.... sometimes I stroke her face... typing sexy restuarants that we can drive to. However, sometimes she betrays me, leads me down the wrong path, a little out of the way. Or does she do that on purpose, just so she can spend some extra time with me... I wonder.

Passing along Knowledge
One of our interns the other day, bless her little beating heart, actually called me for directions. I'm not sure why, since, like i've said in the past, I've only been here 2 weeks or so. Her on the other hand has been here 5 years. So I yelled at her and told her how to get there making up imaginary landmarks along the way. Ha Ha Ha!!!

love you blog,
JD

The Rap

Hey Blog,

So Rachel who is Danielle (my gf ) sister likes to bust out raps. I actually taught her how to play the guitar as well and I'm confident she'll be a big deal soon. Here is a rap she wrote for me

So your new radio name is jd sims.
You be swimmin like Micheal Phelps but you aint got no fins.
Yesterday I was cravin to dangle from the bunk bed.
Which reminds me of a line in a book I just read.It said i'm both happy and sad at the same time, i don't know how that could be.
But the thing i don't get is when a bald man has a beard, makes me ... Read More wonder if thats intentionally.
You're in Myrtle beach, and i'm still in Grand Rapids.
I never meant to preach, but i think it's time you follow Lenny Kratitz.
When you were twenty one, you had hair with a tender flop,
But now you don't look a day passed 18 with your tan and soap-op...era
Swag, like you just went to rehab,Because you got too many free movie pass...es.
You been swingin that golf club after watchin scrubs going to b dubs and soakin in suds while sippin on star bucks...?
You're the luckiest.
♥ MISSS YOUUUUUUUUU.

You can pick your own melody.

Dancing with the Stars
I tried to watch it, I didn't watch it, I can't watch it. I know it's the number one show on television but last time I tried to watch it I actually built a plastic room, had Danielle lock me in. Then she proceeded to hide all the knives and sharp pointy things I use to open the mail. We didn't want to have another "Real Housewives of Orange County" incident. I think it would be a better show if they also solved a crime in the middle of it, or maybe they were all crashed on a strange island that heals them. Then I might watch.

That's all for now blog, hope you enjoy the morning show... listen every morning 6am-10am or online at gator1079.com

love,
JD

Out of Hotel

Hey blog,

Sorry I didn't blog yesterday but I went to my personal trainer and we did "fingers" therefore I was to sore to type.

The Move
So I'm not living in the hotel anymore. Of course as I was moving out I dropping all my clothes in the parking garage (and yes thank you to that wonderful thoughtful couple that pointed out that "I dropped something" as all my stuff laid on the dirty floor of the garage but never offered any help.. thanks) and I forgot my cell phone charger that's still plugged into the wall behind the bed. I am now living with my boss Jimmy. He has a really nice place and offered. I wasn't sure what Ms. Manners would say in the situation, but since I hate being in a hotel for any duration of time I took him up on his offer. Of course when I took him up he was like "Really?" and then whispered to himself, "crap, I was just being nice." Oh he also has Showtime!!!

So I was thinking. It's called North and South Carolina. Its called North and South Dakota. Why don't they call it East Virigina? Ponder that and get back with me blog.

love you,
JD

Great First Week

Hey Blog,

Well the first week of recent employment felted really good. I have some great people I work with although I noticed that everybody has the same first letter of their name. It's kind of like that show on Oxygen or Bravo or something with the Amish lady who has 17 kids. Their is:
Jimmy, Johnny, JD, Jonathan, Jeramiah, Jason, Jugghead, and JBlue (the J is silent).

I am hiring
So this past week I had a ton of applicants for a position that I recently posted. As you know I was recently on the other side of that process. I remember I would think, "hey why didn't I get an email back?" Now I know why, because of the million or so applicates. So if you sent in an application, hang tight... I'll make an effort to get back to you. It is interesting though because I feel like a kid in a pet shop... I just want to take all of you home... or hire you... you get the analogy.

Go Cougs
I recently found out that my co-worker Blue had the same first job out of college. It was in Colfax, Wa. Look it up on google maps, it really exists. So we started talking and found out we share a lot!!

1) We both were born in the same hospital in Utica, New York
2) We both lost our virginity in the bathroom of a Wendy's while Stevie Wonder's Part Time Lover played over the loud speaker
3) We both have twins that went to war
4) We both love Jimmy (our boss)
5) We both use to be professional trampoline artists
6) We both were fired by Cirque du Soleil for not being "short" enough... stupid Jean-Paul Sartre
7) We both collect relics from the ancient Mayans
8) and were both amazing painters

and we both appreciate you blog. That's all for now.

Brian

This Place is Haunted

Hey Blog,

I know it's early but I didn't blog yseterday because I was on my way home from work yesterday and dangling over the side of a bridge was a school bus full of diabetic blind children. So sure enough my super human strength kicked in and I was able to pull the bus back to safety. Glad to say all the kids were safe but as you can imagine I was pooped out.

My radio station is haunted

So yesterday I had to switch out computers at my desk and sure enough nothing worked right after. It was one of those problems where everybody in the building was scratching their heads. I was trying to reconnect to the network but the entire time my computer was spinning in mid-air spewing pea soup all over my desk... crazy ghosts. Needless to say I never got on the network

Personal Trainer
He was nice like Bob, but I can't feel anything from my waist down... not sure if that is normal. However, I am 212 my goal is to get back to my birth weight 8 pounds 8 oz!!!

I love you blog,
Brian "JD" Sims

The Misunderstanding

Hey blog,

Misunderstanding

So today I had a really interesting misunderstanding where I wrote a note to a publication and the person on the other end of the publication made some very interesting assumptions. Although, this isn’t technically the note or the misunderstanding the following example will make my point:

Brian writes: I am on the air now from 6am-10am on Gator 107.9
Publication: Brian from Gator killed a monkey dressed as Hitler and he’s now on the air from 6am-10am

I guess that’s why you can’t trust the media…. Except me of course, you can trust me.

Fat Pills

Well I’m fat, so I’m going to start taking fat pills. You might be one of the skeptics that says “Brian, you can’t take fat pills, they don’t work, they are a hoax.” Well I say “ poppycock!!! “ I’ve taken fat pills before and then I wasn’t fat. Also, you know that every antibiotic is just a sugar pill that the Dr’s tell you well cure your Typhoid fever or your Hepatitis #6, and you got better. Well I believe the fat pills will make me un fat… plus I’m starting with a personal trainer tomorrow, I hope he’s nice like Bob.

Okay blog that’s all for now, some fun stuff on the show tomorrow so be sure to listen online at gator1079.com

Love you,
Brian “JD “ Sims

JD in the Morning

Hey Blog,

Sorry I haven't blogged in a few days, very hectic... plus the computer I'm using in the hotel doesn't have an "A" key.

JD in the Morning
So I am now better known as JD for my new job. I think it'll be fun, plus we aren't telling anybody what it stands for, but if you can guess I'll give you a hug next time I see you. I had several other names that didn't make the cut like:
Cooper
Duke
Dude
Marley
Ryan Seacrest
Paul Harvey (What to soon?)

Myrtle Beach
So this if the 14th state that I have lived in here's the list: New York, Alabama, Illinois, Texas, California, Washington, Idaho, Tennessee, Kentucky, Colorado, Michigan, Indiana, Florida and now South Carolina. Not bad, lots of pancake places and go-cart tracks... oh yeah and the beach!! Love it!!!

I miss Dani
So I miss Danielle a lot, although I now don't have to watch the bachelor finale. I think it would be funny if the bachelor and Deal or No Deal combined and you had to pick suitcases in order to find out whether or not you win the husband. I also think it would be funny if you could throw rocks at the bachelor.

Alright blog, that's all for now.. Say prayers for a little possum family somewhere in South Carolina, I killed there papa the other day I can just imagine the conversation

"Where is Papa?" asked the cute little one month old possum
"Papa is dead baby, papa is dead!!!" says mama possum as she is clinching here possum babies in her arms.

love you,
Brian

WE DID IT!!!!

Hey Blog,

Well it's over... we have a job!!! Starting Monday I will be the Program Director/Morning Guy for Gator 107.9 in Myrtle Beach!!!! It will be nice to get up and go to work again. Although I did enjoy 6 months of unemployement, it'll feel good once again to be a productive member of society and to continue to live on the beach!!! Whale watching... fun!!!

The DJ Dog
I don't even know how to explain this one. But yesterday Danielle and I were extras for a new show on Animal Planet called Fetch Me A Beer. I guess it's a show where dogs do cool tricks. Our scene included a dog that could spin records, although he really didn't. So I look forward to some creative editing. Although I really want to create a metaphor based on this scenrio. Let's say you are a dude at a bridal shower, you can say- "That's like a Dog spinning Records in a Disco."

Huggies Commercial
I had my call back yesterday to be a Dad in a Huggies Commercial. I was the only average joe in the building. I didn't even know so many beautiful people existed. I was like a Dog spinning Records in a Disco!! (Totally going to take off) The photographer that took all my pictures really made me feel pretty, and no I didn't take my shirt off!!!

Thats all for now blog. I have to get a morning show ready. I was thinking of doing a segment called "Do I look good in a Trucker Hat?" I put on a trucker hat and you tell me whether or not I should buy a monkey. Okay I'll keep working on it, good idea blog!!

love you,
Brian

Traveling

Hey Blog,

Well I'm blogging from the hotel right now. The interview went well however I'm a little tired because I woke up at 3am and got ready so I wouldn't be late. Good news, I wasn't late!!

The Plane Ride
I haven't been on an airplane for almost 2 years. Because of the economy they now have some policy changes. First of all, they charge for beverages, no problem... except it did cost me $32 for a coke (not the entire can mine you) and a bag of peanuts. I was charged $30 for my carry on and when I got on the plane they handing me a spool of yarn and demanded me to make an afghan.. mine was orange ;)

Fat Tuesday
Is anybody else offended that the Biggest Loser is on Fat Tuesday? I am planning on going out tonight with my new boss (keep your fingers crossed) and living it up, because tomorrow is the start of lent and here are a list of the things I'm planning on giving up.

1) Watching Conan O'Brien
2) Swearing in foreign languages
3) Supporting McCain/Palin
4) Poison
5) Are you getting this yet? I'm giving up stuff I don't or can't do anyway... ha ha ha
6) Pointing out my own jokes

That's all for now blog, more good news however, I got a call back on the Huggies commercial... yee-haw!!!!

Brian

Brad Pitt Got Robbed!!!

Hey Blog,

Later on today I board a plane for a job interview. I'm not a big fan of flying, so I just started drinking and hope to be sober for the interview tomorrow. I'll update you later on this week on what is the happy haps with all that.

Academy Awards
I watched most of it, although it was a little long. Also, since I have a girlfriend I was forced to watch all the red carpet stuff. Which now for the next few days, I'll be asking people who they are wearing. Although, just once when a starlet is asked that, instead of saying Vertice or Hoobstank or whoever, they should say "I'm wearing the hard work of a 6 year migrate worker from South Korea... You Likey?!?!"

I did like the Joaquin Phoenix parody from Ben Stiller and the Pineapple Express skit was hilarious. I have always wondered- After Hugh Jackson and Beyonce did their little song and dance to musicals, Hugh said "And the One and Only Beyonce Knowles". Do you think there is someone at home with the same name screaming at the TV- I EXIST TOO!!!!!

Okay blog, short one today. I have to get ready for this interview. Who am I going to wear?

love,
Brian

10 items or less

Hey Blog,

10 items or less

It's been a lazy Sunday afternoon. Danielle and I went to the grocery store to pick up a few items. I counted, we had 10 items.. no problem to the 10 item or less line. Were in line, Danielle is reading the latest People-- (a quick side bar, Danielle and I have always disagreed. I think if you read a magazine while standing in line, that your technically stealing. ) So my criminal girlfriend and I are waiting our turn and I notice a lady, probably in her mid-50s eyeing my stuff.

"You have more than 10 items," she yells.
"No I don't, there are 10, but thank you line nazi." I reply
"Get out of line, you have 15 items. "

Appartently she was counting the 6 pack of beer as 6 items. I counted them as one. So I ask the lady at the register and oh course she agrees with me. The lady quickly shuts up. However, after I had paid for my stuff, mostly with quarters that I made Danielle fish out of her purse, I quickly grad 5 packs of gum and a blowpop!!!! Ha ha ha, now back to your job at Guantanamo Bay!!!

The Academy Awards
If you know anything about me, you know I have a super duper man crush on Ryan Seacrest. Why? Well, he's my age and we both are in radio. Now I admit, he's been much more successful than me, but instead of being a hater... I'm impressed. Plus he looks so good in his Corneliani tux!!! I got to go, he's on!!

love you blog,
Brian

The Hulkster

Hey Blog,

Well some good news. Next week I have a fly-in for a job interview. Now earlier this week I mentioned how I had a pre-interview and that's like a first day. Well the fly-in is like the 3rd date where you hope you can go inside, drink a little wine and maybe smooch a little by nights end. It is also the pivotal moment where you hope she extends an olive branch for you to enter into a relationship, because lets face it, you've been lonely for way to long and your also losing the renters for your house you can't sell and you need the money (sorry I bailed on the metaphor). So wish me luck!!

What is Naked
I was watching a few minutes of the E original "The Girls Next Door." First of all, not a great title, the girl that lives next door to me is pushing 70 and has a hump. I noticed during the episode that they were topless a lot and you could see everything except the nipple was blurred out. So the nipple is the only thing that would make the bare boob naked? I have also seen a naked woman paint her entire body with paint and that makes the tele. So what is the male equivalent? If I go to Home Depot and invest in a semi-gloss moss russet and paint my "Hulkster" (sorry that was it's nickname given when I was in the 7th grade) it's okay for me to catch a ball game or go rollerblading on the beach!!! (I apologize for that mental picture). That is my test for the day so if I don't blog tomorrow look for me on http://www.thesmokinggun.com/

That's all blog- I love you
Brian

ps my brother was the production manager for the movie Ballast and it's up for a Spirit Award tonight. So go big bro!!!

Current Employer

Hey Blog,

Huggies Commerical
So I had an audition for a Huggies Commerical yesterday. I know I know "I didn't know you still wear diapers?" ha ha ha, well I do. These are their new mid-life crisis diapers. Very comfortable. Well I was waiting to get my call back to the casting couch, I had to fill out some paper work. The one blank I laughed at was current employer- So I put, self-employed. It got me to think. I am self-employed, not un-employed. If I get this commerical, that's work. I worked for 3 days last week. I have had various jobs here and there. Plus I have this blog, this takes work. So from now on I will be the owner, proprietor of Brian Sims Inc. LLC EEO BA.

I have a pet peeve
I recently blogged about how I now have text messaging. Well Danielle will text LOL which stands for "laugh out loud". Well as you can imagine I'm always sending LOL style texts. I observed however that Danielle was texting LOL but was not in fact "laughing out loud". Therefore, if you are going to LOL you better have a mild to harty belly laugh before. Otherwise it's just empty false lies. Don't get me started on LMAO

Well that's all blog, by the way you can now get to my blog by just typing in beingbriansims.com. Cool

Brian

Like A First Date

Hey Blog,

A Job Interview
So I had another "pre-interview" for a job that I applied for. I have had about 5 or 6 of these since I have been out of work. I would compare them to a first date. They start out with small talk, then you move into talking a little about yourself, some "get to know" type questions, then at some point you say something to where you date demands you take her home and never call her again. However, sometimes she does have a good time, you give her a good kiss and next thing you know you are doing afternoons again and being criticize because you don't buy flowers anymore.

My Cell Phone
Yesterday was an exciting day because I got a check for a ton of money that I wasn't expecting. Therefore I can now text message again. It made me realize. I hate text messaging. Why? Because I can't spell to save my life. I'm sure if you are a consistent reader of my blog you'll see where I continsting (see!!!) misspelling words. At least on this I can spell check. But on text it's almost impossible. Plus my text doesn't let me swear. Nothing like a good ole F bomb to get the point across. Instead it always spells Duck.

"I'm so ducking mad."
"Quack Quack, Duck boy" Danielle replies

Other words my text always uses wrong:
home=good
love=loud
sex=pew
kiss=lips
hug-huh
and=chlamydia

that's all for now blog,
Brian

Entertaining Doctors with ADHD

Hey Blog,

Do you wear a white coat?
So I had a three day job over the weekend. I was at a medical convention selling Custom White Lab Coats to well anyone.... I actually got a janitor to buy one because I told him people would respect him more with one on!!! It was a lot of fun accept our booth was right across from the ADHD booth and after hearing all the symptoms... I'm pretty sure I have it... wait what? I also think I have diabetes, malaria and Toxoplasmosis.

A Free Bee
So today Danielle and I went to the Hardrock Cafe Casino Park thingy to sign up for a free players club. If you did, like we did, you get $50 to play with. So we got our card, sat down at a slot machine, push one button, and cashed out the $49.99 and left. Ha ha suck it Mobsters that own the casinos (note:This is Brian's attorney, he in no way has disrespect for the mob. He loves all kinds of mobs; like mobs of kittens or a mob of angry Brazilian Soccer fans. He has watched every episode of the Sopranos. Although it could have a more masculine name like: The Throat Slicers or the Altos.)((This is the attorney of Brian's Attorney- he in no way means to insinuate that the mob represented in the Sopranos were unmasculine, but if you think he was being disrespectful you can get him at 345 Johnson St., Cleveland, OH. )) If I did hurt the Mob's feelings, I'm really the current bachelor... please come kill me.

love you blog,
Brian

Friday the 13th

Hey Blog,

The Day From Hell
So I never really have believed in Friday the 13th but today made me a believer. Here is what happened

1)It started out at 4am, some guy in a hockey mask holding a machete is standing at the end of my bed. So I get out of bed in fear, and stub my toe... OUCH!!!!

2) Danielle (my girlfriend) has a job this morning, she's thinks it's in Miami- so we get up at 6am I drive her there. After I drop her off she finds out it's in Ft Lauderdale- about 45 minutes away from where she is, she tries calling me... my cell phone has been shut off. She then calls ATT, pays my bill and finally gets a hold of me an hour later after I have fought traffic down and back ( 2 hrs total) I have to do it again.

3) Found out- their is no tooth fairy

4) I ended up working at the last minute (yeah!!!) come out at the end of the job... car has a flat (no yeah)

5) Joanna Pacitti is eliminated from American Idol (well I read this yesterday but it still made today worse)

6) Went to the movies- Friday the 13th was sold out!!!

What a day!!! Well at least I don't have to worry about tomorrow.... oh SHIT!!! Tomorrow's Valentines DAY and I've done nothing!!!!

I need to sleep blog.. love Brian

Doing Taxes

Hey Blog,

Taxes

So I did my taxes today. I use to hate doing my taxes and actually I've had an accountant do my taxes for the past 10 years. However, when you are out of work you have to cut corners, and since I don't want to fire my butler.... I used Turbo Tax. Let me say... they call it Turbo tax not because it literally only took me 3 1/2 seconds to do my taxes, but because I'm getting about $30 grand back (note I like to exaggerate numbers, the truth is it took about 2 hours to do my taxes and I only got about 2 grand back.)

Major Let-down

So I was driving on the interstate today and I noticed a police truck with it's lights on behind me. As I pulled over, which is the law, I noticed on the side it said "Crime Scene Unit." What?!!! Not only was it not an awesome silver hummer followed by a white Ferrari but it was a boring blah police truck. Boooooo Miami Booooo

That's all blog, oh yeah if you missed Joaquin Phoenix on Letterman go to CBS.com and check it out. It's funny yet depressing. It would make anyone rethink wanting to be a celebrity.

love,

Brian

Va-uncation In the Keys

Hey Blog,

Va-uncation
Not sure what to call it when you don't have a job, yet you get to enjoy three days in a 2 million dollar house that has a beautiful scene of the Atlantic Ocean. I call it "awesome" for now. It's interesting that since I have been out of work I have been to 19 states, have experienced everything from Atlantic City to Key West. Maybe I'll stay unemployed, oh wait I miss eating and gambling and insurance... well I don't miss insurance just miss my Geico.

Homeless
I usually don't like the homeless. But in Key West, all I could do was hi-five them. Really if your going to be homeless, pick paradise. If your homeless in a city where it ever drops below 50, that's just stupid. Sorry to kick you while your down homeless, but lets face it, you have choices.

Okay blog I'm tired from being on vacation. I love you. So sorry I haven't blogged for a few days but this was the laptop I had was using, I think it was built for a hobbit.

Brian

The Week in Review- Vol 1

Hey Blog,

Well every Saturday I thought I would do a little recap of what happened this past week. Just think of Nancy Grace meets Andy Rooney with a dash of Keith Olbermann and a sprinkle of Perez Hilton... that would be one awesome human!!!

Michael Phelps
Now I'm not going to admit to you whether or not I every done the hashish. Don't ask, don't tell right? (Wait that has to do with being gay in the military. What a gay thing to say.) Anyway, not a big deal. Now if Micheal Phelps was hanging out with 7th graders or selling it to dolphins or a Dolphin (sorry Ricky Williams) then I can understand everyone getting upset. He's a swimmer not a President, let him swim. I really like how whenever they talk about the maryjane they always say its a "gate way" drug. That's like giving a 4 year a pipe cleaner during art class. He then starts to think, well I have a pipe cleaner now I need a pipe to clean. Well if your going to clean it better buy something to clean up, oh look little Richardo is now hook on black tar herion.

The Stimulus Package
Well at first I thought, "NOOOO not free Viagra for old people." Then I kept reading. So here are a list of things that are actually in the stimulus package. Regardless of your politics you should know what were paying for, well what your paying for... I don't have a job yet.

1) $6 billion High-speed Internet access for rural and underserved areas- So that guy underneath the overpass with the cardboard sign well get to participate in American Idol Chat groups during green lights
2) $650 million to help television viewers convert from analog to digital- I would get Stars... no HBO
3) $10 billion Science facilities- Does this mean they are going to build secret lairs for scientist, I think something under the sea would be impressive.

Oh and your going to get $500. Now I can get buy my house and first born back... Thanks Government!

that's all for now blog,
Brian

Pee Wee's Play House

Good Afternoon blog,

Pee Wee's Play House
I was thinking today how much I wish that inanimate objects spoke to me. What I wouldn't give to have a chair talk to me, telling me brilliant crafty jokes
"Do you know why aliens don't eat clowns?" asks Chairy
"Why?"
"Because they taste funny!!" everyone laughs

Job Update
So I actually had some good news on the job front which means I might be working again soon. I'll find out next week. This comes at a good time because well... I am completely broke. It's actually quite funny how broke I am, this was a phone conversation I had with a creditor just this a.m.

"Is this Brian?" ask the creditor with a strain in his voice
"Well, Yes it is." I proudly state.
"You own us a lot of money, how can we get you to pay us?"
"Wanna buy a kidney?"
He didn't laugh. I actually am selling my kidneys right now they are buy one get one free.

Movie Levels
So I have figured out that I have 3 systems in my brain when it comes to how harshly I judge a movie.
1) Did I pay to see it in a theater? If I did I tend to judge it very harshly, a 9 lets say on the Oliver-Platt harshness scale. (Note: This isn't the actor Oliver Platt but rather the Oliver-Platt harshness scale with 1 not being very harsh to 10, ouch that was harsh)
2) Did I pay to rent it? I tend to rate them at a 5 on the same scale. For example, I loved Super Rod on DVD but probably would have hated it in theaters
3) Did I get to see it for free? here are a list of movies that I thought should have won the Oscar just because I didn't pay a dime: Friday the 13th 1-8, 27 Dresses (however it should have been called 26 dresses and a suit), Hotel For Dogs, Titanic (wait that did win an Oscar), Gigli (pronounced G-Lee not Gig-Lee) and Transformers (instant classic)

Sorry blog I rambled today, love you
Brian

Weird Fears

Hey Blog,

I have a weird fear

I have been living in South Florida with my mom since I've been out of work. She has a beautiful house but one problem. There are no blinds on the windows. Now I hate the feeling as if I'm in a fish bowl plus what do I do when I'm in the buff. I don't want people seeing my land of amusement so speak. Then it dawned on me, nobody wants to see my Disneyland. If somebody walked by and saw all my roller coasters, they would throw up in their mouth a little, kind of like you probably did when you read this.

Getting in shape

So I have lost some weight since I moved down to South Florida. I use to think that I gained weight because I was lazy. But no, I gained weight because it was always 2 degrees outside and if I wanted to workout I had to wear enough clothes to fly to the moon. Your fat, my advice, move to South Florida.

I really need to get rid of my computer

I have found this rectangular tool of Satan is the only way for me to receive any nugget of hope in my life. Since I'm out of work all I have is my email inbox to cheer me up. That's probably why I check it 402 times a day and the most hopeful feeling in the world is when I look down and see Gmail-Inbox(1)-bei.... Of course then I open it up and it's a coupon for 10% to Kohls. My life might suck but at least I look good in this polo shirt I got for $12.99

I love you blog thanks for listening,
Brian

What Being Out of Work Is Like

Dear Blog,

As you know I haven't had a job since last August. Now since then I have done some random jobs here and there:

This past week I was in a Focus Group for (this portion of the blog has been censored by Brian's attorney because he signed a confidentially form in this matter) ha ha crazy story huh!!

I also have been doing some spokesperson work- here's a clip

http://www.omgnvideos.com/previews/_demo/brian_demo.html

I was spongebob

I was an extra for a Hannah Montana concert. That's right I got paid to be in the audience and cheer the most talented singer since Etta James. She's amazing.

I was a stylist for David Hasselhoff.

I really need to get a real job don't I.

Love you blog,

Brian

Everything is Free Today

Dear Blog,

During the Super Cup there was a commerical for Denny's that said you could get a free Grand Slam Breakfast. So it got me to thinking, I wonder how many things I can get today for free? Let the adventure begin!!!

8:15am arrive in line to get my free Denny's Grand Slam
8:45am head over to the Gulfstream casino to get my free $25 in slot tokens
8:46am hit the free continental breakfast at the Ramada on Hollywood Blvd
10:30am back to Denny's
11:30am cash in my rewards for a free plane ticket to Atlanta
12:30pm arrive in Atlanta and head to Denny's
1:30pm fly back to Ft Lauderdale with another free ticket
3:30pm take a free cab ride back to Denny's ( well it wasn't suppose to be free- but I'm in good running shape)
4:00pm get kicked out of Denny's for demanding my free Grand Slam, the promotion apartly ended at 2p
5:00pm arrive at the Holiday End for free happy hour
7:30pm pass out drunk in the street
9:00pm enjoy a free night in jail!!!

What a day!!! Love you blog, which by the way is free!!

Brian

The Super Cup

Dear Blog,

Sorry I have to call it cup, but my lawyers informed me that if I use bowl with that grand word together that I am violating copyright laws. When told that I thought of printing of t-shirts with bowl marked out and cup on the side, then purchasing a commerical during the game for 3 million. Since I'm out of work, I spent my last 3 million on stamps and resume paper.

The Super Cup Commericals

I really didn't have a favorite commerical, although I did notice this. There were a lot of monkeys. Here is a recent email from a major ad agency that sheds light on why they pick monkeys.

Chip,

We have spent over 6 million for two ads during the Superbowl. We only have $32 and a gift card to Walmart left. You think we could get a monkey for that.

Steve


Steve,

I know a guy.

Chip.

ps, I love monkeys unless they get mad then they throw there own poop

I still have no job

Everyday I continue to grow bitter and more recluse. I was trying to figure out what job with those qualities I could get and it hit me, movie critic. I went on to rottentomatoes.com and I noticed that collectively the movie critics have hated every single mainstream movie that has come out in the last six months except Marley and Me and Role Models and those barely made it. A documentary on eels got 95% percent.

"Hey honey, want to see a movie tonight?" I ask
"Sure, what's showing?" Danielle replies with excitement.
"Well the critics really like this movie about the part that peanut butter plays in the removal of Hitler."

I love you blog,
Brian

ps, a giant rat saw it's shadow and now we will have 6 more weeks of winter. I still have a sunburn. I love South Florida.

I love so many things

Hey Blog,

Good morning I thought I would get my thoughts out of the way here in the am.

I love rainbows and bunnies

I woke up this morning thinking of all the things that I loved. I know I know, I usually don't do the sappy stuff, but I figured.. why not!
Convertibles
Cheese and Crackers
A comfortable couch
This laptop computer
DVR
Ryan Seacrest
Danielle Alisa Prawdzik (she's my girlfriend and she's also the only one who reads my blog- love you monkey toes)
Pandora
Online poker
Cheetos (notice a cheese theme)
Waking up at 9am
Going to bed at midnight
A peppercorn steak
Lasik
The Superbowl
Pantene Pro V Conditioner- For Women of Color
and Redemption

and oh course you blog,

Brian

I hate so many things

Hey Blog,

I hate reality television

Since I have been out of work I have had the opportunity to watch a lot of reality tv like; My Clothes Make Me Fat, Paris Hilton's- Who Wants to be my Slave... the news. I wish I was kidding when I was watching Headline News and the anchor said after Obama went on a tyrade about how CEO's that were bailed out gave themselves bonuses- he said " And on a lighter note, Obama is routing for the Steelers"

Here are more things I hate:
A car horn
An empty bottle of vodka
A 6 month old puppy with a name that rhymes with Lake
The wind on a sunny day
When there is no wind on a hot day
Gray Hair
Parking in Downtown Miami
Getting rabies (I don't have rabies, I just assume I would hate it if I got them)
Getting fat
A rash in my crotch
Superbowl interviews
and crime.

I love you though blog,

Brian

Sorry I didn't get you a present

Hello Blog,

Jake's Birthday

Jake is my mom's dog, he is 6 months old today. We had a clown and birthday party, with amazing ballon animals, ironcially all the clown could do were cats. He is scared to death of me and I'm suppose to be dog sitting him till Saturday and I can't get him to come out from under the bed. My mom left instructions on how to take care of him. They are so long I decided to put a binder on them and send them to a publisher in hopes it'll be the next "How to take care of a weird dog for Dummies". Someday, someday.

Filmed a commerical

I was in a commerical for Dick's Sporting Goods today. It's a national commerical so look for me in it in probably a few months or so. I'm the good looking one in the stands. I have done quit a bit of extra and film work.... always boring. All I did today was think of things that I would rather be doing like-

I would rather be punched by a baby
I would rather go on a date with a billy goat named roger
I would rather go to a PTA meeting
I would rather have my legs shaved
I would rather go to a soriety house and have them circle my flaws with a sharpie

that's all for now blog, I love you

Brian Sims

The New Everything Blog

Dear Blog,

Let me introduce myself. My name is Brian Sims. I am out of work. Therefore I must blog. Here we go.

New President Today

Cool. I have always seen politics this way. We vote people in office because they should know what they are doing. The problem with the last President to me isn't that he didn't do a good job, honestly how do I know. It seems to blame one guy for a bad economy and high gas prices is a little ridiculous plus gas prices are down. I quit my job, I didn't lose it. I guess I could blame Bush for not getting another job, but I rather blame my resume... seems more logical. But it seems everyone hated Bush and McCain/Palin. I read an article today that said Palin was a target of the media and they made her look bad. But because of that the people didn't like them. I would agree that the media did make her look bad and that people didn't like her because of it, but oh well that's the way the world works. Everyone seems to like Barak Obama, even the media, which is a good thing why? Because good thoughts seems to create good feelings and good times. Today felt like that. Maybe it was because I had candy, but I rather think it's because today the American people seemed unified. Isn't that what a president really is? A leader who brings people together. So President Obama, congratulations so far so good. Hopefully people will feel better now.

The Biggest Loser

People cry to much on this show. Also, why do they vote people off? At the end it has to do with how much weight you lose. Stupid

Job Fair

Went to a job fair, which really should be called a job unfair. A TV station was advertising a job for a Creative Director for there new morning show. Now I happen to have a degree in Broadcasting and was probably the only person in the room qualified enough for that job, ironically I'm not even close to qualified. So why give false hope to people looking for a job? Just to say you have a job opening? Shame on you TV Station, shame on you.

That's all blog, still no job. Well full time. I will be doing a Dick's Sporting Good commercial on Thursday and next week I get to play a Reporter for some body's marketing campaign.

I love you Blog,

Brian Sims