Hypocrite
If you have every been in a vehicle with me you'll find that I am somewhat of a driver basher. I think that there are particular rules of the road and that everybody should know what they are. Now these aren't any sort of published rules but ones that reside comfortable in my cerebral cortex. I realize that other drivers can't read my mind, although how cool would that be if we could read minds? I would have aced my SAT's, sitting next to that one kid who has no friends and wears a cape, however he does own Google now..... mind reading can't be done!!
I want to apologize to the all the other drivers on the continent (bite me Europe) because yesterday as I was making my way through South Florida traffic, I found myself texting, driving, listening to Tupac's new album (what to soon?) and knitting my baby a sweater.
I'm working out again
So I have made up my mind that I am going to get back in shape. I know, I know..
" But you are in a shape, it's a pear shape... but a shape none the less." said you reading this blog outloud
I am finding that I am having to give up a lot of foods I like. Notice I didn't say comfort food. Everytime I hear that phrase, I picture myself hunched over the edge of my bed wearing a pair of 80's basektball shorts, an Alf t-shirt with long tube socks. A giant chicken wing has his delicious bar-be-que drenched appendage around me..
"So those boys were mean to you at school today?" says giant Chicken wing
"I'm never going back, NEVER!!!!" as I turn to take a bite of his pevis
"SERIOUSLY!!!!" yelps the Chicken wing
Now if you are a fat kid like me, no doubtly you've recently spent some time at McDonald's. When I was a kid Micky D's food looked like a pimply faced ginger had taken a mallet to this grand Mac before wrapping it up and serving it to me. But now!!! holy cow!!! (Get it holy cow), their food is actually pretty good.
I must mention this, what the hell is Grimace? Is he like a genetically mutated egg plant or maybe he was pals with Willy Wonka and one day Will had him try a new Blueberry pill meal.
"Come on try it, seriously you'll be fine." said Willy
"Okay, "as Grimace took the fancy purple pill
"OH that was not a good idea," Grimace continues
"No, yeah I agree!! Hey Orange thing roll him away, thanks. Your a gem"
Ever notice McDonald's doesn't support the Hamburgular anymore. I always wondered if maybe all these characters were at some "How to be the best cartoon brand " convention in Orlando.
Mickey Mouse, Hamburgular, the Noid and McGruff the crime dog are all enjoying an appletini at cocktail hour. Next thing you know, Hamburgular runs off!!
"WHAT??!?! that f^&king Hamburger thief stole my wallet!!!" said McGruff the crime dog, as he frantically searches his pockets
"Here's a couple a hundred, I got plenty!!" Mickey says as he hands McGruff a wade of bills
"A#$hole," McGruff mumbles under his breath
"Anybody feel like chicken," says the Noid
Just a side thought, wouldn't you think McGruff the crime dog would word perfect with the whole Mc theme?
I'll leave you with that.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
New Job- New Life
New Job
I took a job working part-time at Kiss Country in Miami. I like how I said I took a job, like I walked into JobBucks and ordered a part-time job with room for cream. Honestly, thought after my last job I would become a professional fisherman or maybe be an inventor, however I had settled on being a professional nothinger. But after 3 months of being a professional nothinger I found that those who had jobs, like the people working the billing counters at the cable company, needed me to pay for there childs orthodontics and porsches. So I found myself looking for a job.
As part of my new job duties, I am required to attend concerts. I know right, so unfair! So last night me and Dani P went to the Brad Paisley concert in West Palm. Now I have only lived in Florida since March but I have noticed a growing theme of people who always complain about how hot is it. Shouldn't you expect it to be hot by now?
"Man its so hot, whew... like as hot as something that is hot." said complaining hot guy
"I know, it's all so airy out here, some much air.. blah and so many babies and animals and trees, stupid trees." I reply
So Brad Paisley's dad was at the concert last night and I wondered, you think when Brad was a kid in his room playing the guitar that he ever turned to him and said "Go get a real fucking job and STOP playing that guitar!!!" Probably not.
I took a job working part-time at Kiss Country in Miami. I like how I said I took a job, like I walked into JobBucks and ordered a part-time job with room for cream. Honestly, thought after my last job I would become a professional fisherman or maybe be an inventor, however I had settled on being a professional nothinger. But after 3 months of being a professional nothinger I found that those who had jobs, like the people working the billing counters at the cable company, needed me to pay for there childs orthodontics and porsches. So I found myself looking for a job.
As part of my new job duties, I am required to attend concerts. I know right, so unfair! So last night me and Dani P went to the Brad Paisley concert in West Palm. Now I have only lived in Florida since March but I have noticed a growing theme of people who always complain about how hot is it. Shouldn't you expect it to be hot by now?
"Man its so hot, whew... like as hot as something that is hot." said complaining hot guy
"I know, it's all so airy out here, some much air.. blah and so many babies and animals and trees, stupid trees." I reply
So Brad Paisley's dad was at the concert last night and I wondered, you think when Brad was a kid in his room playing the guitar that he ever turned to him and said "Go get a real fucking job and STOP playing that guitar!!!" Probably not.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Football and Beer
Critics
So I was thinking that I could become a movie critic. Why not, I really like movies and just ask my girlfriend... I love to criticize things, especially her driving. However, as I read my future collegues critques of movies, I noticed that they always use sub-human words to desribe there reviews. Here is an example of a recent review for the movie "The Other Guys" starring Marky Mark and Willy Will.
"I was perunafied about the duo-love of the seculiar drive of this Keisha couple." Bill Maze The Pershing Middle School Review
No idea.
Are you ready for some football?
The Hall of Fame game was on TV last night, a few short weeks away is the beginning of the football season. I recently read a story about how the officials messed up the super bowl back in 2006. Now don't get me wrong, I love old people, I think they are cute and cuddly and who doesn't like going to a soda shop and sharing a milk shake with a grandma/grandpa type? The problem? The officials are too old!!!
When the official rolls out in a wheelchair with a shaw over their lap and is smoking a pipe, I think its time to get a new younger model. I'm not saying that we should have infants to officiate, honestly, although very entertaining to see a couple of babies on the football field during a game, I really think that would be too dangerous. Seriously there are no guys between the age of 25 to 35 that can determine what a hold is? The moth ball smelling guy with the coke bottle eye wear is the only one qualified to tell me about illegal motion?
Beer
I love a good beer. My problem is that I will go get a 12 pack and drink 10 of them in one session. Now I didn't think I was an acoholic, mainly because I think it is difficult to become something that I can't even spell... al cho lic, a lca hall lic... until I woke up the next morning completely naked from the waste down, wearing a parka and eye liner. Plus I'm pretty sure I had sex with my car. (editors note: While I was doing research for this blog entry I found this !!! Really somebody has done this, ha ha ha ha ha!!!)
So I was thinking that I could become a movie critic. Why not, I really like movies and just ask my girlfriend... I love to criticize things, especially her driving. However, as I read my future collegues critques of movies, I noticed that they always use sub-human words to desribe there reviews. Here is an example of a recent review for the movie "The Other Guys" starring Marky Mark and Willy Will.
"I was perunafied about the duo-love of the seculiar drive of this Keisha couple." Bill Maze The Pershing Middle School Review
No idea.
Are you ready for some football?
The Hall of Fame game was on TV last night, a few short weeks away is the beginning of the football season. I recently read a story about how the officials messed up the super bowl back in 2006. Now don't get me wrong, I love old people, I think they are cute and cuddly and who doesn't like going to a soda shop and sharing a milk shake with a grandma/grandpa type? The problem? The officials are too old!!!
When the official rolls out in a wheelchair with a shaw over their lap and is smoking a pipe, I think its time to get a new younger model. I'm not saying that we should have infants to officiate, honestly, although very entertaining to see a couple of babies on the football field during a game, I really think that would be too dangerous. Seriously there are no guys between the age of 25 to 35 that can determine what a hold is? The moth ball smelling guy with the coke bottle eye wear is the only one qualified to tell me about illegal motion?
Beer
I love a good beer. My problem is that I will go get a 12 pack and drink 10 of them in one session. Now I didn't think I was an acoholic, mainly because I think it is difficult to become something that I can't even spell... al cho lic, a lca hall lic... until I woke up the next morning completely naked from the waste down, wearing a parka and eye liner. Plus I'm pretty sure I had sex with my car. (editors note: While I was doing research for this blog entry I found this !!! Really somebody has done this, ha ha ha ha ha!!!)
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