New Job
I took a job working part-time at Kiss Country in Miami. I like how I said I took a job, like I walked into JobBucks and ordered a part-time job with room for cream. Honestly, thought after my last job I would become a professional fisherman or maybe be an inventor, however I had settled on being a professional nothinger. But after 3 months of being a professional nothinger I found that those who had jobs, like the people working the billing counters at the cable company, needed me to pay for there childs orthodontics and porsches. So I found myself looking for a job.
As part of my new job duties, I am required to attend concerts. I know right, so unfair! So last night me and Dani P went to the Brad Paisley concert in West Palm. Now I have only lived in Florida since March but I have noticed a growing theme of people who always complain about how hot is it. Shouldn't you expect it to be hot by now?
"Man its so hot, whew... like as hot as something that is hot." said complaining hot guy
"I know, it's all so airy out here, some much air.. blah and so many babies and animals and trees, stupid trees." I reply
So Brad Paisley's dad was at the concert last night and I wondered, you think when Brad was a kid in his room playing the guitar that he ever turned to him and said "Go get a real fucking job and STOP playing that guitar!!!" Probably not.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Football and Beer
Critics
So I was thinking that I could become a movie critic. Why not, I really like movies and just ask my girlfriend... I love to criticize things, especially her driving. However, as I read my future collegues critques of movies, I noticed that they always use sub-human words to desribe there reviews. Here is an example of a recent review for the movie "The Other Guys" starring Marky Mark and Willy Will.
"I was perunafied about the duo-love of the seculiar drive of this Keisha couple." Bill Maze The Pershing Middle School Review
No idea.
Are you ready for some football?
The Hall of Fame game was on TV last night, a few short weeks away is the beginning of the football season. I recently read a story about how the officials messed up the super bowl back in 2006. Now don't get me wrong, I love old people, I think they are cute and cuddly and who doesn't like going to a soda shop and sharing a milk shake with a grandma/grandpa type? The problem? The officials are too old!!!
When the official rolls out in a wheelchair with a shaw over their lap and is smoking a pipe, I think its time to get a new younger model. I'm not saying that we should have infants to officiate, honestly, although very entertaining to see a couple of babies on the football field during a game, I really think that would be too dangerous. Seriously there are no guys between the age of 25 to 35 that can determine what a hold is? The moth ball smelling guy with the coke bottle eye wear is the only one qualified to tell me about illegal motion?
Beer
I love a good beer. My problem is that I will go get a 12 pack and drink 10 of them in one session. Now I didn't think I was an acoholic, mainly because I think it is difficult to become something that I can't even spell... al cho lic, a lca hall lic... until I woke up the next morning completely naked from the waste down, wearing a parka and eye liner. Plus I'm pretty sure I had sex with my car. (editors note: While I was doing research for this blog entry I found this !!! Really somebody has done this, ha ha ha ha ha!!!)
So I was thinking that I could become a movie critic. Why not, I really like movies and just ask my girlfriend... I love to criticize things, especially her driving. However, as I read my future collegues critques of movies, I noticed that they always use sub-human words to desribe there reviews. Here is an example of a recent review for the movie "The Other Guys" starring Marky Mark and Willy Will.
"I was perunafied about the duo-love of the seculiar drive of this Keisha couple." Bill Maze The Pershing Middle School Review
No idea.
Are you ready for some football?
The Hall of Fame game was on TV last night, a few short weeks away is the beginning of the football season. I recently read a story about how the officials messed up the super bowl back in 2006. Now don't get me wrong, I love old people, I think they are cute and cuddly and who doesn't like going to a soda shop and sharing a milk shake with a grandma/grandpa type? The problem? The officials are too old!!!
When the official rolls out in a wheelchair with a shaw over their lap and is smoking a pipe, I think its time to get a new younger model. I'm not saying that we should have infants to officiate, honestly, although very entertaining to see a couple of babies on the football field during a game, I really think that would be too dangerous. Seriously there are no guys between the age of 25 to 35 that can determine what a hold is? The moth ball smelling guy with the coke bottle eye wear is the only one qualified to tell me about illegal motion?
Beer
I love a good beer. My problem is that I will go get a 12 pack and drink 10 of them in one session. Now I didn't think I was an acoholic, mainly because I think it is difficult to become something that I can't even spell... al cho lic, a lca hall lic... until I woke up the next morning completely naked from the waste down, wearing a parka and eye liner. Plus I'm pretty sure I had sex with my car. (editors note: While I was doing research for this blog entry I found this !!! Really somebody has done this, ha ha ha ha ha!!!)
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Not Working Blog
Hey Blog,
Well it has been a super long time since I wrote to you. The reason... I'm super lazy. Could you imagine me as the President of the US.
"Hey Mr President, the Russian are attacking us." said Secretary of the Treasury
"I'll deal with it later, I'm watching Dead Like Me Season 2 on Roku right now." I reply
I could never be President because last time I did any campaigning I kept kissing hands and shaking the babies, that was a lousy 2 1/2 years in Prison. Although, I did have a boyfriend who treated me like a desert rose. I miss you Roberto and yes that isn't just a tattoo teardrop but a reminder of what we had.
I'm out of work
So I quit my last job. It's actually the 4th time I have walked on a job without having another. The first job I walked on, I working as a Serbian Child Labor Manager. I know what your thinking "you quit a management job, wow... your an idiot, you must of had amazing benefits" true that, they did have a great dental plan, but ugh the hours. I was in charge of the beanie babie division. It was amazing what a 6 month old can do with a little paste, clothe and a whip. Seriously, I couldn't handle all the crying after a while. It would be like being on airplane for 12 hours with a plane full of babies, "I'm hungry, I'm tired, I have a poopie diaper," they would whine all day. And like my Uncle Charlie use to say, "No matter what it does to provoke you, never hit a baby." Great words from a great man.
The Second job I walked on was when I was the head botanist for the Bacholer and Bacholerette. Somebody had to grow those perfect TV roses. But one day I was having a conversation with Chris Hanson about my dog Millie and he said, "I don't care about your dog," and walked away. What an ass, so I quit.
The third job I walked on was when I played point guard for the Cleveland Cavaliers. With no Lebron, whats the point. Get it point?
Finally, I was the morning show host for WYKS in Gainesville. Part of my duties included getting naked in a milky calm bath with my boss and shaving his back while singing Lady Gaga songs. Big problem, I can't remember any Lady Gaga lyrics.
" Something something Poker Sticker..."
Now your thinking, "Why didn't you just stream Pandora and set up a Lady Gaga station, problem solved." Well I totally suggested that, but he went off on how Pandora is ruining his revenue stream and how I must be secretly trying to destroy his business. Plus, I didn't have my own parking space, so I walked.
Okay now lets play a quick game. Which point in the last paragraph is actually true? Feels like Dora the Explorer doesn't it?
"Donde esta Mapa?" ask Dora
"It's in the fucking backpack!!" yells the little girl at the TV screen
Well if you guessed I was secretly trying to destroy his business, then you guessed correctly!!! Give yourself a hand or a hand job which ever is most appropriate to the location in which reading this blog.
I'll try to write more blogs. I was thinking of taking all these blogs and putting them in a book. Although there not all on here, I have about 200 of them. That is a lot.
bye,
Brian Sims
ps, I realize that the Secretary of Treasurey problably wouldn't be the guy to tell the President that the Russians are attacking. I also didn't mean to say that we have any sort of political stress currently with Russia, to be honest, I have no idea where Russia even is on a map or if in fact we have any problems with them as a people or country. All I know is that there drinks are very racist, really White Russian, super racist.
Well it has been a super long time since I wrote to you. The reason... I'm super lazy. Could you imagine me as the President of the US.
"Hey Mr President, the Russian are attacking us." said Secretary of the Treasury
"I'll deal with it later, I'm watching Dead Like Me Season 2 on Roku right now." I reply
I could never be President because last time I did any campaigning I kept kissing hands and shaking the babies, that was a lousy 2 1/2 years in Prison. Although, I did have a boyfriend who treated me like a desert rose. I miss you Roberto and yes that isn't just a tattoo teardrop but a reminder of what we had.
I'm out of work
So I quit my last job. It's actually the 4th time I have walked on a job without having another. The first job I walked on, I working as a Serbian Child Labor Manager. I know what your thinking "you quit a management job, wow... your an idiot, you must of had amazing benefits" true that, they did have a great dental plan, but ugh the hours. I was in charge of the beanie babie division. It was amazing what a 6 month old can do with a little paste, clothe and a whip. Seriously, I couldn't handle all the crying after a while. It would be like being on airplane for 12 hours with a plane full of babies, "I'm hungry, I'm tired, I have a poopie diaper," they would whine all day. And like my Uncle Charlie use to say, "No matter what it does to provoke you, never hit a baby." Great words from a great man.
The Second job I walked on was when I was the head botanist for the Bacholer and Bacholerette. Somebody had to grow those perfect TV roses. But one day I was having a conversation with Chris Hanson about my dog Millie and he said, "I don't care about your dog," and walked away. What an ass, so I quit.
The third job I walked on was when I played point guard for the Cleveland Cavaliers. With no Lebron, whats the point. Get it point?
Finally, I was the morning show host for WYKS in Gainesville. Part of my duties included getting naked in a milky calm bath with my boss and shaving his back while singing Lady Gaga songs. Big problem, I can't remember any Lady Gaga lyrics.
" Something something Poker Sticker..."
Now your thinking, "Why didn't you just stream Pandora and set up a Lady Gaga station, problem solved." Well I totally suggested that, but he went off on how Pandora is ruining his revenue stream and how I must be secretly trying to destroy his business. Plus, I didn't have my own parking space, so I walked.
Okay now lets play a quick game. Which point in the last paragraph is actually true? Feels like Dora the Explorer doesn't it?
"Donde esta Mapa?" ask Dora
"It's in the fucking backpack!!" yells the little girl at the TV screen
Well if you guessed I was secretly trying to destroy his business, then you guessed correctly!!! Give yourself a hand or a hand job which ever is most appropriate to the location in which reading this blog.
I'll try to write more blogs. I was thinking of taking all these blogs and putting them in a book. Although there not all on here, I have about 200 of them. That is a lot.
bye,
Brian Sims
ps, I realize that the Secretary of Treasurey problably wouldn't be the guy to tell the President that the Russians are attacking. I also didn't mean to say that we have any sort of political stress currently with Russia, to be honest, I have no idea where Russia even is on a map or if in fact we have any problems with them as a people or country. All I know is that there drinks are very racist, really White Russian, super racist.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
How to Get Rich Without Even Trying
You can't. I have been reading a lot of self-help books recently. The latest is called "The Science of Getting Rich," by Wallace D. Wattles. Its a quick read with some delightful nuggets of info for those of us on the path to riches. It impressed me that Wattles wrote this book in 1910, before the invention of TV and really everything else I see around me.
One of the most impressive principles he spoke of is to visualize your goals as though it already exist. Wattles goes on to say how everything you see around you started as a single thought within one person and now like a magician those ideas have become items. Again this was written in 1910. Imagine if Wattles lived today, I'm sure he would be more than impressed.
I have always wondered if I went back in time and could show my ancestors the internet, they probably would grab sticks and destroy the "demon box" because to them it would be like black magic. However, now we are surrounded by former invisible ideas that are real tangible items. I'm so impressed with that mind that was able to come up with TV or texting or the Ipad.
So the key to getting Rich is to just image it. To create a world in your mind that has you with all the stuff, money, houses, people, fruits, DVD's whatever it is that you want. Focus on your creative ideas and then act on it. Make it so. It's that easy.
If I look back at the past few months of my life, I have been working on using my mind to meditate on the direction that I wanted my life to go. I knew I had talents and I knew that if I focused hard enough that my goals would be completed. They were and with the exact precision of the world that I created in my mind. Wattles book served as a reminder of what I have already done and continue to do.
But why not be rich? According to Wattles his method to get rich is a 100% guarentee. If you just thought as you read that last sentence "Come on, give me a break," then you've already failed. It only works if you want it to and if you follow his Certain way.
I too have found some obstacles that interupt my perfect mind world. First of all, sometimes I don't believe I deserve it. I realized a few years ago that my personal relationship wasn't exactly where I wanted it to be. You see at my core I found that I didn't believe in myself. I didn't think I was good looking, I deserved it, or that an attractive girl would even like me. However, one day it just dawned on me that I wasn't doing myself any favors by holding on to these negative thoughts, within months after letting them go I found a beautiful girlfriend. We've been together for two years now.
Okay so back to getting rich. I currently have more money than I have ever had. It wasn't anything magical, I didn't win the lottery or find gold. All I really did was think about what I wanted and keep my negative thoughts out of my perfect mind world. We really do deserve anything we want.
One of the most impressive principles he spoke of is to visualize your goals as though it already exist. Wattles goes on to say how everything you see around you started as a single thought within one person and now like a magician those ideas have become items. Again this was written in 1910. Imagine if Wattles lived today, I'm sure he would be more than impressed.
I have always wondered if I went back in time and could show my ancestors the internet, they probably would grab sticks and destroy the "demon box" because to them it would be like black magic. However, now we are surrounded by former invisible ideas that are real tangible items. I'm so impressed with that mind that was able to come up with TV or texting or the Ipad.
So the key to getting Rich is to just image it. To create a world in your mind that has you with all the stuff, money, houses, people, fruits, DVD's whatever it is that you want. Focus on your creative ideas and then act on it. Make it so. It's that easy.
If I look back at the past few months of my life, I have been working on using my mind to meditate on the direction that I wanted my life to go. I knew I had talents and I knew that if I focused hard enough that my goals would be completed. They were and with the exact precision of the world that I created in my mind. Wattles book served as a reminder of what I have already done and continue to do.
But why not be rich? According to Wattles his method to get rich is a 100% guarentee. If you just thought as you read that last sentence "Come on, give me a break," then you've already failed. It only works if you want it to and if you follow his Certain way.
I too have found some obstacles that interupt my perfect mind world. First of all, sometimes I don't believe I deserve it. I realized a few years ago that my personal relationship wasn't exactly where I wanted it to be. You see at my core I found that I didn't believe in myself. I didn't think I was good looking, I deserved it, or that an attractive girl would even like me. However, one day it just dawned on me that I wasn't doing myself any favors by holding on to these negative thoughts, within months after letting them go I found a beautiful girlfriend. We've been together for two years now.
Okay so back to getting rich. I currently have more money than I have ever had. It wasn't anything magical, I didn't win the lottery or find gold. All I really did was think about what I wanted and keep my negative thoughts out of my perfect mind world. We really do deserve anything we want.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Friday, November 6, 2009
The Upsale
Hey Blog,
The Upsale
I have always thought the upsale was a rather tacky sales idea. I understand from statistics and the internet that the upsale is something that is rather useful for businesses who are trying to add just a little more revenue. So I thought for the next week I would buy everything that was upsaled to me. First stop the post office. I just went to mail a package to my son... I left with a p.o. box, boxes for packing, a stamp machine and an old postal truck (actually it's pretty cool, since the steering wheel is on the other side, I like to drive on the wrong side of the road and sing British pub songs)
Candy Corn
Could you imagine the marketing group that had to sell this idea.
"Okay guys, we have a new kind of candy, what should we call it?" asks the a tall slender man with coke bottle glasses.
"Can we call it Satan's ass chunks? That's kinda of what it tastes like." said one executive
"How about Candy teeth? It is shaped like a tooth." another yells
"I got it Candy Corn, because even though its made from chalk and glue... it looks like corn, everyone will be tricked into thinking it's actually editable. "
Evil laughs break out around the room.
I wonder why they haven't made candy broccoli or candy eggplant. I would try candy cauliflower.
Seasame Street Anniversary
So it's the 40th anniversary of Seasame Street. If your anywhere around my age you remember sitting in a osh gosh jumper, sucking down a capri sun and enjoying the rambling of Bert and Ernie, Big Bird and Count Von Count. Those were simple days, when the big news was which letter and number I learned for the day. However, I did have a unibrow till I was in the 5th grade because Bert told me to be me. Kids can be cruel.
Okay blog, have a good day..
JD
The Upsale
I have always thought the upsale was a rather tacky sales idea. I understand from statistics and the internet that the upsale is something that is rather useful for businesses who are trying to add just a little more revenue. So I thought for the next week I would buy everything that was upsaled to me. First stop the post office. I just went to mail a package to my son... I left with a p.o. box, boxes for packing, a stamp machine and an old postal truck (actually it's pretty cool, since the steering wheel is on the other side, I like to drive on the wrong side of the road and sing British pub songs)
Candy Corn
Could you imagine the marketing group that had to sell this idea.
"Okay guys, we have a new kind of candy, what should we call it?" asks the a tall slender man with coke bottle glasses.
"Can we call it Satan's ass chunks? That's kinda of what it tastes like." said one executive
"How about Candy teeth? It is shaped like a tooth." another yells
"I got it Candy Corn, because even though its made from chalk and glue... it looks like corn, everyone will be tricked into thinking it's actually editable. "
Evil laughs break out around the room.
I wonder why they haven't made candy broccoli or candy eggplant. I would try candy cauliflower.
Seasame Street Anniversary
So it's the 40th anniversary of Seasame Street. If your anywhere around my age you remember sitting in a osh gosh jumper, sucking down a capri sun and enjoying the rambling of Bert and Ernie, Big Bird and Count Von Count. Those were simple days, when the big news was which letter and number I learned for the day. However, I did have a unibrow till I was in the 5th grade because Bert told me to be me. Kids can be cruel.
Okay blog, have a good day..
JD
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
The Balloon Boy is my hero
Hey Blog,
I'll be honest, I love the stuff on the balloon boy. How rich that a Dad would spend time building an alien space craft that surveys rain clouds.
"So rain clouds, do you feel wet?" surveys alien space craft
"Sometimes." answers rain cloud
"Me too." as alien space craft puts his arms around rain cloud.
I don't fault the Dad for what he did, he's just trying to get on a reality tv show... and he did. Tool Academy
Fine for @#$
I was training for my half-marathon the other day and saw a sign that said "Fine for not picking up dogs waste $25-$200"
My first thought was to congratulate the dogs, because you know all the dogs got together in the early 90's and were like, "hey lets get back with these humans... let's make them pick up our crap!!!" then their evil plan was put into action.
Then I was wondering what is the difference between a $25 and let's say a $150 fine. Is it whether or not your dog ate corn the night before? Maybe it goes by weight, color or maybe texture
"Hey Bob, how was work today?" ask Steve at the bar
"Good, Steve.... I totally fined a chick and her dog for $125... you should have seen the size of his stool, it even have hotdogs in it!!!" as Bob gives Steve a high five
"What's that smell?"
good night blog,
JD
I'll be honest, I love the stuff on the balloon boy. How rich that a Dad would spend time building an alien space craft that surveys rain clouds.
"So rain clouds, do you feel wet?" surveys alien space craft
"Sometimes." answers rain cloud
"Me too." as alien space craft puts his arms around rain cloud.
I don't fault the Dad for what he did, he's just trying to get on a reality tv show... and he did. Tool Academy
Fine for @#$
I was training for my half-marathon the other day and saw a sign that said "Fine for not picking up dogs waste $25-$200"
My first thought was to congratulate the dogs, because you know all the dogs got together in the early 90's and were like, "hey lets get back with these humans... let's make them pick up our crap!!!" then their evil plan was put into action.
Then I was wondering what is the difference between a $25 and let's say a $150 fine. Is it whether or not your dog ate corn the night before? Maybe it goes by weight, color or maybe texture
"Hey Bob, how was work today?" ask Steve at the bar
"Good, Steve.... I totally fined a chick and her dog for $125... you should have seen the size of his stool, it even have hotdogs in it!!!" as Bob gives Steve a high five
"What's that smell?"
good night blog,
JD
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